Day 39- Here With Breath

Here with Breath

I’ve been finding my mind chatter incessant lately- many thoughts of a future that’s brighter than my current situation.. My current situation hit a certain level of shittiness because of timing and circumstance, but it is a necessary shittiness that had to happen in order for me to take my next steps. However, within this shittiness I’ve found it difficult to remain within presence and awareness because it’s so easy to make myself feel better by simply projecting into a brighter future by fantasizing about all sorts of stuff. However, because this creates a positive energetic experience, inevitably the opposite will manifest, so at other points in time my mind is bringing me into panic and fear about what could happen, how things can go horribly wrong and all the things other people might be thinking and feeling. This tendency to participate in positive projections a(nd thus experience negative ones as a result) played out a lot throughout my life as an escape and a coping mechanism, and I’ve become pretty fed up with it. Not only does it cause lack of presence and awareness, but also lack of self-movement in the moment, lack of focus… the negative side brings stress and anxiety. Because the two are inseparable, they have both got to go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape my current situation by fantasizing into a future that’s better than this Here moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine a different life where I experience the perfect relationship in a different city  wherein I feel confident, ‘happy,’ and completely self-accepting, instead of looking at how I actually experience myself righ now because I realize that I have to move myself fom right here and right now in order to get anywhere. So if I don’t start from right here, I’ll never get anywhere and never change, and if I only fantasize about the future whilst I stagnate in the present, I will only remain exactly in this spot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and fantasize about being on my own, completely independent, wherein, in the fantasy I don’t have any of the ‘problems’ or ‘issues’ I deal with within myself presently, but within this again I realize that nothing will ever change until I ground myself Here and walk from this moment, this current reality that I am and exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also lose myself within the polar opposite negative thought projections, wherein I think about being harmed in those different places, failing my exams, not getting a job, hurting people, causing people jealousy, being hurt or jealous myself, feeling like a burden, instead of stopping and realizing that, no matter what I think, it’s not going to change my reality. The only thing that will change is me actually physically doing practical things in my life and reality, and the only place and time and space within which I can do anything is right Here, but if I’m up in the mind thinking, worrying and stressing then I am taking myself away from Here, causing myself to be distracted, stressed, worried etc… thus making me less effective in my life, thus actually disempowering myself from doing what it is I plan to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to experience Hereness when my current situation is less than ideal, instead of realizing that I need to stand within any situation, as I cannot escape myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape myself and my current situation because it is nt a ‘positive’ experience.

When and as I see myself getting lost within my mind as entertainment, taking me away from Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the understanding that being and remaining Here takes practice and diligence, and each time a give in to the mind I am making it a little harder for myself to remain Here with/as breath. So each time I find myself participating within the negatice, neutral and positive energetic thoughts, projections and fantasies I simply stop and breath it away until the energy is gone and only I remain.

I commit myself to continuously apply myself to bring myself back Here and to remain Here until I am Here in fact.

I commit myself to see through and stop the positive, negative and neutrally charged thoughts that keep me from being Here with breath.

Day 38- Suppression continued

Continuing from yesterday’s blog about self-suppression instead of speaking up/standing up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have the power to make another submit to me if I stand up or speak up for myself, instead of realizing that from a starting point of self-honesty, there is no inferiority/superiority polarity game, only self-expression in the moment, and I cannot control how another reacts/responds to my self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through others, by judging ‘suppressed types’ which I see and define as cold, hard, rigid, boring and asexual.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen by others as cold, hard, rigid, boring and asexual, instead of realizing that I only fear seeing it in myself and thus hide it or overcompensate for it, thus suppressing myself even more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as cold, hard, rigid, boring and asexual (due to the fact that I know that I suppress myself), instead of taking the entirety of me into consideration and not judging but rather directing who and how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react internally as anger when I feel I need to stick up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and take it personally when someone challenges me or my stance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that no one should challenge me because I’m not out to challenge anyone.

To be continued….

Day 37 - Suppression

Day 37- Suppression

            I’m feeling quite ill tonight with what seems to be strep throat. I was given some perspective on this and it seems to be related to suppression, not speaking, not standing up for myself. When I look back on the past several weeks, I can see some instances when I could have stood up for myself more. When I look at why I don’t speak up/stand up for myself I see that I have this fear that, if I attempt to stand up for myself, but the other person doesn’t ‘submit’ or back down or listen to me, then I fall into the superiority/inferiority game where I end up submitting instead, and thus submitting myself instead of standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking/standing up for myself because I know that if it is no properly received, I will submit myself to the other.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself because I don’t want to hurt the other or make them submit, so instead I submit myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself through submitting myself for the sake of another, which takes place within a superiority/inferiority where I submit due to participation in inferiority, or superiority wherein I ‘do it for them, so as not to hurt them.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in superiority/inferiority games with other beings in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to another due to fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to another within superiority, wherein I play the martyr and sacrifice myself for something outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself for another instead of realizing I am not doing either of us any good within self-sacrifice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself through not speaking up and not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up and standing up for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I am confused and unclear in times where I am to stand up for myself, thus giving me the excuse to not stand 'because I don;t know where I stand.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for myself to not have to stand up.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see through the self-created fog that I manifest when I am feeling/being confronted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly when I am being confronted.


When and as I see myself in a situation where I should stand up for myself but instead desire to go into suppression I stop, and  i breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by reminding myself not to play polarity games of superiority/inferiority and right/wrong.

I commit myself to free myself from the prison of fear to eventually be able to speak for myself and stand up for myself no matter what.

I commit myself to overcome and transcend all fear that is within me.

I commit myself to stop suppressing myself.

Day 36- Pushing Myself to Study Effectively

I’ve been in school for two years non-stop now, and I’m still having some difficulty with focus and concentration on my studies. I know I spent 18 years developing bad study habits and so it’s going to be a bit of a process to correct it, and that’s cool- I can do ths. So I’m just bringing it up here once again, from a new angle/dimension as I have slowly been addressing all dimensions of my toubles with studying. I started with stress and anxiety, fear of failure, problems with authority and lack of self-movement and discipline already, and now it’s just some nitty gritty stuff. Some real practical application stuff that requires diligence as I actually continue to walk this change into the physical reality of myself. Self-forgiveness makes pushing through resistances more do-able I find, because of the understanding involved where it’s like: “okay, I know why I ‘m doing this, I know why it seems hard, I know where I’m going with this, I know this is not going to last forever, I know how much better I’ll feel later if I do his now” …etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist studying, reading my lessons and taking notes for an upcoming exam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted and preoccupied while studying my lessons, reading and taking notes, because I have defined it as boring and not what I would prefer to be doing, instead of realizing that everything I do can be utilized as an opportunity to apply myself, to push myself and to expand myself- no matter what it is I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my lessons are hard because of the vocabulary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define texts with more advanced vocabulary as hard instead of realizing that it only takes one moment to look up the word in a new tab and to then integrate that word by looking at its context within the sentence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost and overwhelmed within the denser parts of the chapter, because I would rather be skimming through all the material within the desire for it to all be simple and easy and something I can complete quickly, instead of realizing that some parts of the chapter will require more focus and attention to fully understand, and that I need to take it slow at those points so as to fully comprehend the lesson.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to skip over the parts I don’t understand within the text, as if I’ll piece it all together by the end, instead of realizing that this causes me to become frustrated because I end up not completely understanding what I’m reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I don’t completely understand the text because I’ve skimmed over some parts due to laziness, thus sabotaging myself and hashing up old memories of being completely lost in school wherein I developed the belief that “I just can’t do this, I just can’t understand, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not like the others, it’s more difficult for me” and so on, without taking a moment to look at how I actually created this reality for myself by not applying myself as much as is/was required of me to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive two particular memories of doing quizzes which I had not studied for, wherein I did not take any self-responsibility, but instead allowed myself to fail and go into self-judgment, and after repeating this type of behavior enough times I ended up defining myself as one who is not capable of school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim by defining myself as incapable, instead of standing up and changing my habits and actually applying myself fully, as I know full well I am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self-definition of ‘incapable of schoolwork/focusing/concentrating/understanding’  as an excuse to not have to fully apply myself, because it’s easier to judge/define myself than it is to actually push myself to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as incapable of schoolwork.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that school is more difficult for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by believing I simply can’t do it, instead of realizing that I can do it because I have all the tools I need available to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overdo it at times when I’m studying, within the belief that I need to push push push all the time, instead of taking myself and my physical body into consideration by giving myself breaks and doing it in shorter spurts, such as studying for 45 minutes, and then taking a 15 minute break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that pushing myself to sit there and stare at the screen is effective, instead of realizing quality over quantity- it’s doesn’t matter how much time I put in if I’m not learning, absorbing, understanding anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up studying as some big arduous task that ‘nearly kills me,’ and then procrastinating from doing it because I’ve built up this belief, instead of simply setting up my spot, setting up my timeframe, sitting down and starting. It doesn’t have to be so miserable- that is entirely self-created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define studying as miserable instead of taking self-responsibility and looking into how I created that experience for myself, wherein I am now using it as an excuse to become distracted and make it worse.

I realize I have made studying ‘miserable’ ‘arduous’ and ‘difficult’ by skimming over tough sections of text, by not adequately looking up and integrating the vocabulary I don’t understand, by defining the entire experience on past memories, and by projecting those past memories into the future thus setting myself up to procrastinate.

When and as I am going to study I DO NOT STOP moving me towards the task. I DO NOT give myself the time to project how it’s going to be. I simply keep putting one foot in front of the other until I am sitting down and ready to go, and then I breathe, clear myself, and start with 45 minutes.

When and as I see myself becoming distracted while studying, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and check why I am allowing myself to be/become distracted: is it the vocabulary, is it a tough spot in the text, is it past memories or am I defining the moment as too hard, too arduous as an excuse to escape self-responsibility.

I commit myself to push myself within studying, within the understanding of the importance of being able to discipline myself and utilize every moment and every breath as an opportunity to push and expand me.

I commit myself to gently change myself from the bad habits and definitions I have created for myself within school/studying over time, so that I may stop creating the same experience over and over, and instead simply move myself through the task, within presence as who I am.

I commit myself to push through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change the habits and patterns I have become so used to within studying.

Day 35- I'm Not A Witch!

Today the prominent point I experienced was the experience of not speaking because of the self-observation that when I speak- it is not yet who I am. My last two blogs were about role-playing, wherein I have developed over time, the habit/pattern/coping mechanism of suppressing my natural self-expressions in order to play roles or personalities in an attempt to avoid conflict, in order to get what I want, because of fear of self-expression and due to pre-programming as socialization, family etc… so now what is coming up as a result of this realization, I have become more aware of who I am NOT. I am NOT these roles I play, and have played my entire life. So now, in a given situation, when I go to act/speak/participate, it’s like- there’s nothing there. When I give in to the experience of wanting to speak for the sake of social queues or whatever, I usually end up saying something that I am unsatisfied with because it is self-dishonest: it is speaking for the sake of filling space, speaking because of social pressure (either real or self-created), speaking because, for whatever reason, I feel I should, speaking to appear normal and fine (this is the one I’m going to focus on).

I often find myself speaking to appear ‘normal’ (whatever that is) and ‘fine,’ because, since I started my process of learning, understanding and applying the tools I learned from the Desteni website, I have been very much changing internally. However, I found I have had the tendency to ‘keep up appearances’ to/towards friends/family/community because of the fact that the status quo is very much accepted and embraced and thus I have been socialized as such, and a fear exist within me to go against the grain. A group such as Desteni or Equal Money is very much seen as scary, a threat, weird/bizarre/cultish and has provoked hostile reactions towards me. I understand these reactions because I went through the same socialization process, and if for some reason I was not able to see through this to actually hear what Desteni are saying, I would feel the same way. So I look at myself as this socialized being that I am- scared, closed minded, defensive and judgmental, ready to cry ‘witch’ and ‘cult,’ and I think to myself: this is impossible. Yet here I am, applying the Desteni tools (self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application) in my daily life, thus I am the living proof that this is possible: Even the most stubborn people can learn to question their internal experience as something they are entirely responsible for, question reality and what we accept and embrace as the status quo, and to actually move themselves to hear, learn, apply a different way of being. I am that type of person that I fear- closed-minded, judgmental, group-think/pack-mentality type, scared, defensive: I accepted and allowed all of that behavior to exit in me. I saw it prominently within myself in highschool, in elementary school, with friends in my youth etc… and now I play the role of ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ because I fear that person that I am, the one who would organize a witchhunt to persecute someone like me. I am that because I still have that in me, and it scares the shit out of me. I see now that this is the basis of it all: fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in extensive fear of myself and what I am capable of, and fear that others may be capable of the same things toward me, such as judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame wherein I fear another will actually act out on these internal experiences and persecute me, either inside themselves or externally in actual reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participated within judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame throughout my life without realizing the consequences of fear/keeping everyone locked in fear/fear of standing up/fear of change I was creating for myself and for others by consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously participating within such mind patterns of judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgment, self-judgment, resent, hatred, fear and blame and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgment, self-judgment, resent, hatred, fear and blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being persecuted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected and outcast by friends/family/society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as my mind/ego/human nature of fear, survival and competition, wherein I want nothing to change because I am surviving right now the way things are, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to fight to maintain this status quo because it appears to be working out for me. because it's all I know, and because I fear ending up as one of the poor/starving/suffering in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and my own human nature and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the human nature of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that human nature cannot be changed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will more likely persecute, ostracize, reject and outcast me then take responsibility for their own human nature, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather persecute, ostracize, reject and outcast myself than take absolute self-responsibility for my human nature as my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myown creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create, manifest and participate within all these fears and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play roles due to these fears, because I believe that if people see me change, they will resort to human nature and attack/persecute/ostracize me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing my change as a threat or judging me and thus expressing hostile behavior towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as ego to see my self-change as a threat and judging myself as it and thus expressing hostile behavior towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal battle inside me of playing roles and hanging onto this image due to fear, instead of just letting go of the image and the fear and living for the first time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing because I don’t know who or how I will be and so I rely on the role I’m habituated to playing, so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in to habitual roles instead of standing up from within them and changing.

When and as I see myself going into fear based on how I may be perceived I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am only fearing myself, and the nastiness I have accepted and allowed within me, and I realize that nobody has the power to harm me as Who I Am except me. I realize I can be hurt physically, but there is no point in fearing that. Who I Am is Here, and no amount of judgment or rejection or expulsion can diminish me.

When and as I see myself going into roles due to the fears of how others will react to my change, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there’s no options except self-honesty in the moment- because that is the only option whose consequences I can accept and allow.

I commit myself to eradicate fear from within me so that I may stop suppressing myself and instead express and live me.

I commit myself to be/become the living proof that human nature can change.

I commit myself to discipline myself within expressing self-honesty, even if it calls for many awkward silences.

I commit myself to redeeming myself as a human being, by proving to myself that I will not accept anything less than who I am.

Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.

Day 33- Self-Expression Replacing 'Role-Playing'

            Looking at this point in self-honesty, I see how extensively I have constantly and continuously played roles for others, and its like- the more I care about them, the more I play the role. I can determine that I play specific ‘roles’ when I am in the presence of certain specific people, out of fear of self-expression,  in an attempt to control my environment- which I obviously can’t, and lastly, out of fear of hurting others. Self-forgiveness and self- corrective application are required here to assist and support me to walk through this ingrained pattern of role-playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself in front of/around certain specific friends/family members, wherein I accept/allow an internal emotional experience to stop me from expressing myself, and I accept/allow the internal emotional experience of fear to cloud me to the point of not being able to see/realize who and how I am in the moment, thus I go to the ‘default’ of role-playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the ‘default mode’ of role playing, instead of fearlessly expressing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am concerning myself with those around me, specifically certain specific friends/family members, instead of realizing that I am actually concerning myself with my self-reflection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my own self-reflection that these certain specific friends/family members are reflecting back to me in terms of the self-definitions and self-judgments I have created for myself when I am with them, by playing certain roles around them, which I think/believe will change the way I see myself when I am with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the self-definitions and self-judgments I accepted and allowed myself to create towards these certain specific friends/family members, wherein I believe it to be who I am, when in fact it has only ever been reactions created by me within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I can change the way I see myself, the way I am, or the definitions/self-judgments I experience towards myself by changing the way others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I can control the way others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any kind of values upon the way others see/perceive me within the understanding that I will never actually know how they see/perceive me, I will only chase clues from within their words/deeds and from that, develop a perception of how I think/believe they perceive me, which is obviously just me creating a self-perception through reflecting myself back to myself through these certain specific friends/family members.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-conscious about myself due to all the self-judgment I am exposing within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, wherein I see/realize how extensively I live within/as self-judgment.

When and as I see myself going into ‘role playing’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am only trying to manipulate my self-reflection, instead of realizing that I am right here already. I remind myself that I do not need to use others to see myself, but rather to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, so that I can bring myself back Here and walk from Here, in equality and oneness.

I commit myself to taking myself back from all the roles I have given myself to in unawareness/lack of awareness.

I commit myself to expressing me as who I direct myself to be

I commit myself to stopping all the roles I play/have played and developed for myself over time.