Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

This blog follows from a short series of blogs in relation to being an effective student, and all the mind-created limitations I imposed upon myself that gets in the way, such as distractions, self-judgment, negative self-talk, fears, etc… Within the past few blogs I have been looking at the tendency I have to attempt to ‘get out of the work’ I have to do, which leads to feeling 'forced' to do the work, or skimming through it, not fully understanding, or poor work.


It would be so much easier if I would just sit down and do my assignment within presence and awareness, but instead I just go crazy trying to focus and concentrate. I have been looking into all the mind-created reasons for this, and once identified, I use the tool of self-forgiveness in order to release the points. Afterwards, I re-script myself to not repeat this self-limiting behavior using the tool of self-commitment and self-corrective application statements.

 

 Within reading the self-forgiveness statements out-loud, and hearing myself forgive myself for the ways in which I have made things so much more complicated for myself than it needs to be, there is an actual physical release, allowing ‘space’ for change.


Having studied my own mind in this way, and placing ‘on paper’ the ways in which I want to change, makes it possible to literally ‘take myself back’ from the control of my mind, and to give myself back control over my actions, so that my actions, as the ‘Who I Am’ in this world, match Who I would like To Be. This is definitely a practice, but it’s definitely worth it. I will include a link at the end of the blog to a free course in which anyone who wants to learn these tools of self-empowerment/self-change can do so, for free, with support from others. It's worth a look, and a try.


The following are the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements made from the self-forgiveness statements found within the blog: “Day 110- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 2)” in which I explore the ‘fear dimension’ that ‘causes’ me to always try to, consciously or subconsciously, get out of the work. (For the first part of this blog, go to “Day 111- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt 3)”).

The entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

 

 

 

and then: Days 110 & 111, see above.

I commit myself to stop bringing up all the negative memories I have experienced in relation to school, while ‘forgetting’ the ‘positive’ ones, wherein I actually manipulate the reality of my situation in school through skewing my assessment of myself and what kind of a student I am by always ‘bringing up’ and remembering the ‘bad stuff’, which destabilizes me and affects my confidence and creates unnecessary resistances within and as me.

When and as I see myself experiencing the familiar pangs of frustration/discouraged/impossibleness/exasperation, I stop, and I breathe. I take a moment to locate which memory I am using to create this experience within me/as me, in order that I may delete it and bring myself back to the present moment, which involves me, doing my homework/assignment, as Who I Am Here, where there is no need or benefit to bring up the past or ‘who I was’ then. I take a moment to breathe until the experience dissipates, and return to the work at hand.

I commit myself to do any and all work I am responsible for from a starting point of oneness and equality, meaning, where I make the decision to simply apply myself within the work, and to do the work to the best of my ability, without being ‘less than’ the work by judging myself as unable, and without being ‘less-than' myself by giving myself the ability to diminish myself to a point where I don’t even want to start the work, because I have already projected myself as ‘not good enough’ or ‘I won’t do well’ within/as self-judgment.

When and as I see that I am resisting doing my studies before I even open the book, due to judging myself as unable/not good enough/not smart enough, or because of judging the work as difficult/hard/boring etc… I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to simple self-movement by reminding myself that judgment is not at all necessary when taking on a task/starting or beginning a task, because my judgment can’t be trusted as it is based on skewed memories and a manipulated sense of self, thus the only way to truly find out how the work will be is to simply do it, and to direct myself within and through any obstacles, difficulties, detours or the bumps in the road I may experience along the way, within the understanding that these types of things are normal as assignments are not always just ‘smooth sailing’ and instant understanding. Thus, I allow myself to be/become the patience/diligence/dedication/discipline/commitment that I will myself to be in order to get through and accomplish the tasks I take on in my life, through always moving myself through the work no matter what.

I commit myself to not fear that which I have not looked at/understood yet, because I understand that ignorance creates fear.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not understand the assignment, fearing that the teacher will judge me, fearing that I will do poor work, and fearing that I will fail before I have even looked at/started the assignment, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to reality by reminding myself that in fearing the assignment before having even looked at it, I am actually only fearing what my imagination has freely created, through my acceptance and allowance, as the ‘worst case scenario’ for what it will be like, thus allowing a certain amount of limitlessness within me for my fears to run rampant, because they do not have the physical boundaries of reality to reign them in. Within this, I see/realize/understand that when I simply stop this before it happens, and start my assignment without the interference of the mind, that I can then actually see the reality of the assignment, and the actual steps that I will require to take to get through it, which will always be do-able, as the assignments are specifically designed to be done, and to learn from.

 

To be continued...

 

(Here's the link to the free course where anyone can learn the tools of self-suppot through writing: DesteniIProcess LITE)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

This blog is continued from the specific self-forgiveness statements made in my last blog wherein I took on the specific fears that I hold in my mind in relation to ‘getting out of doing the work’, and how I use them to justify not doing homework assignments (and many things in life, but focusing here specifically on my studies, as that is what I am currently confronting). My goal is to work through my assignment, step by step, without all the unnecessary ‘mind-babble,’ or ‘mind-noise’ that distracts me, frustrates me and ‘causes’ me to procrastinate and stress out, instead of just remaining Here and fully applying myself within my work.

So, to check out the blog from which the following statements are directly related, click here.

I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear that I will not understand the assignment, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by reminding myself that I do not have o participate in this fear and can simply let it go, because I see, realize and understand that if I were to participate in the fear, it will lead to the fear of not doing my work well, then to the fear of being judged by the teacher, which leads me to contemplate giving up before I even start, which makes it more difficult to start which then leads to procrastination, which leads to rushed work, which causes stress, which leads to poor work. Within this, I see how my decision to follow even one thought, as a fear in this instance, can lead to an entire ‘cascade’ of thoughts and fears which create resistances within me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that by slowing the mind down, I can ‘catch’ the thought when and as it arises, and then give myself that opportunity to make the self-directed decision to not follow it, in which case, I simply breathe myself out of the mind and into the body, and continue reading/working on my assignment uninterrupted.

I commit myself to stop creating self-limiting fears within and as me, by slowly learning, practicing and becoming aware of the fears as they arise in one single thought, and stopping them there where it’s most simple and easy for me to do so (instead of accepting/allowing myself to ’build it up’ into an entire ‘cascade’ or ‘entity’ that then directs me as fear instead of me directing myself Here, as Who I Am as presence and awareness, as diligence and discipline, as patience and self-understanding). Within this:

I commit myself to stop myself from accepting and allowing the self-limiting fears to exist/grow within and as me by stopping myself from continuously bringing p past memories of past moments where I did not understand the assignment and so I did it wrong and failed, or feared to fail, wherein I will in my mind, take quick glimpses of that memory as a ‘reminder’ to myself of the fears I have participated in in the past, thus bringing forth that past energetic experience into the present moment as if it were Here with me as my reality, when in fact I can clearly see, realize and understand that my reality is the present moment and thus subject to my self-direction, in which case I can direct myself to change my behavior and NOT re-live/repeat past instances of failure or fear of failure, but rather live each moment as a new moment, wherein I can apply myself to be/become that which I wish to be and become.

I commit myself to simply let go of the old memories that I hang on to which do not serve me in any way whatsoever, by constantly and continuously, diligently and patiently, and within self-discipline and self-understanding, keep bringing myself back to the present moment using the tool of breath, human physical breath that takes place moment to moment, a new breath for each new moment, as breaths cannot be recycled, held onto or re-used, and so I will also live to a certain extent, wherein I will myself to direct each moment as Who I Am Here, instead of by who I was ‘before’ or what I fear.

When and as I see that I am ‘glimpsing’ old memories by accepting/allowing them to seemingly ‘pop’ up randomly I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the present moment by becoming aware of the fact that I am re-living past memories by identifying them by the feeling or emotional experience they create within/as me; by stopping and deleting them by saying delete out loud or disintegrating them in my mind, I breathe through the emotional or energetic experience they (I) created within me as me, and then take back my self-directive principle by reminding myself that I am at the wheel here, I decide, I direct me. Then I direct myself to either: focus back on the work, take a quick stretch, or breathe for a moment, and then return to my studies.

To learn these writing tools for yourself, for free, check out this course:http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/.

To be continued…

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Getting Out of the Work: Fear Dimension

The fears I have in relation to the character or personality I have created around ‘getting out of the work’ are as follows:

1) I fear I will not understand this assignment and my work will reflect this, wherein I fear the teacher will think I’m stupid/dumb/slow.

2) I fear that if I start this work I will only see that I’m not capable of doing it so I might as well just not do it.

3) I fear I’ll never have time to do this properly, I’ve already pretty much failed”

Self-forgiveness for this self-limiting self-talk:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not understanding this assignment and my work will reflecting this lack of understanding, and that the teacher will think I’m dumb/stupid/slow, as a result of the underlying fears of failure and judgment I have created and manifested within and as me through past thoughts and memories, beliefs and judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built up the fear that I will not understand my schoolwork based on the fact that I have stored and held on to the past memories, thoughts, judgments and beliefs about myself in relation to school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories, judgments, beliefs and thoughts in order to create fear within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself to remain trapped and enslaved to energetic experiences of the mind, such as fear, and I see, realize and understand that I could have also held onto the moments of academic success and all the moments where I exceeded my expectations which would then balance out the fact that I sometimes struggle, thus I see that I as the mind am not basing my self-perception and my view of my ability on an equal and one assessment of my history within school, but have rather manipulated the information in my mind, without any awareness, to create fear, which makes me want to give up and not face anything, thus keeping me limited and enslaved to the delusional assessment of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ability to do the particular assignment I have to do before even opening the book and trying, or starting the assignment and ‘talking myself into fear’ by participating in my mind of fears wherein I will automatically assume I will not understand, automatically assume my work will be unclear/wrong/bad, and automatically assume my teacher will judge me as such, instead of making sure I understand the objective of the assignment, and then opening the book and taking it one part at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the fear that trying/applying myself is a risk because it may only serve to prove my fear that I won’t be able to do the assignment well, instead of facing that fear and simply moving myself to begin, within the realization and understanding that even if I don’t understand it, it’s not the end of the world, it simply means that I will have to direct the situation, by either asking for assistance/support from my TA or teacher, or re-reading the assignment more closely, more slowly, re-reading the question or taking a short break and looking at it again with a ‘fresh; eye.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I will move myself effectively through my studies and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I will do what needs to be done in order to do the work and do it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my assessment of myself within a lack of self-trust and an overabundance of self-doubt, despite that physical evidence and proof that I can in fact do it, and have been doing it well. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions instead of the physical proof of who I am and how I am, and instead of looking forward and striving for more, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself, making it more difficult for me to do the work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within my studies, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not a matter of pass or fail, but rather a
process that I can build and improve upon, taking what I perceive as ‘failure’ instead as indicators of what the teacher wants me to do differently, and then to change/adjust my approach to the material differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tempt myself to give up before I even start, because it is the easy way out that doesn’t require me to break old habits and patterns, let go of old beliefs and dare myself to walk through my fears towards self-expansion, as a ‘growing’, where the old must go in order for the new to develop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to let go and give up ‘the old’ self I had created because of the fact that it seems safe and secure and comfortable and known. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ‘known’ as safe, secure and comfortable, and the unknown as scary, insecure and unsafe, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I make my true self ‘known’ every time I push myself or face my fears.

Self-committments and Self'Corrective Application statements to follow...

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work, and Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

I commit myself to stop participating in the thought of there being a ‘whole big action-packed world’ ‘out there’, which I manifest right when I’m about to sit down and do work, within the realization that the world did not become all of a sudden more exciting now that I have decided to do work, but that I am creating illusions in my mind and projecting them on to ‘the world’ in order to take myself away from actually applying myself, and bring me back into the mind of ‘getting out of the work’, because that way, I will always submit to my mind as I had created it, instead of me being able to simply make the decision that I am doing the work now, and then to just do it without reactions from the mind, as I should have created myself in the first place.

When and as I see that I am being ‘pulled away’ from my work by my mind, I assert myself by saying NO, I will not follow that energetic pull, I breathe through the withdrawal experience that I know will come, I can take a little self-directed break, walk around, stretch, breathe, and then settle down within the directive decision of doing my work properly, the first time.

I commit myself to stop skimming through my readings, frantically searching for key words in an attempt to get ‘the answer’ as quickly as possible, and instead:

I commit myself to read through my reading strategically, slowly, with a firm understanding of the question, wherein I look for concepts and then expand upon them within my understanding.

When and as I see that I am skimming through a reading in such a way that I am only reading words, skimming through words looking for key words only without any real focus, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the pace of the physical by slowing myself down, re-reading the question, and then proceeding to do the reading with patience, awareness and effective breathing, making sure that if I’m not understanding the words, that I go back and re-read them in order to find my place and patiently develop and integrate an understanding that I am able to convey in my own words.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts that push me away from applying myself in my studies, such as “this is so boring/slow/cumbersome/pointless”.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts that pull me away from my studies as they come up, such as “there is a whole action packed and fun world out there that I am missing out on”, by stopping my participation in and as them, by diligently taking a breath each time the though comes up, and reminding myself that I had made the directive decision to do my studies, so that is what I will myself to do in that moment.

When and as I see that thoughts are coming up which are pushing me or pulling me away from doing my studies, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the directive principle of me by reminding myself that so long as I can’t effectively move myself to do something as simple as study/read coursework, then I will be a literal slave to my feelings, emotions, wants and desires. Thus I push myself to stand up within the energetic experience of being pushed and pulled away from my schoolwork- I stand as the diligence, the discipline, the patience and the commitment I endeavor to be and become the directive decision maker of my actions, thoughts, words and deeds.

I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity judgment of how I spend my time, such as work=bad/boring, not working=fun/good, and instead:

I commit myself to apply myself in whatever activity I choose to do, within and as simple, self-directed self-movement.
When and as I see that I am placing a judgment on the work I am doing, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to directive principle by reminding myself that judgments only create unnecessary energetic relationships to that which I choose to do, and that those energetic relationships cause me to create and manifest resistances within and as me, to/towards the ‘work’ I am doing, and draw/attract me to do other things which I have judged as ‘not work’/’fun’.

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

Thus, this blog is a statement of that which I am willing to commit to, and the ways in which I will change my behavior (practical application of myself in my world), which will extend beyond school and into every day life, which is an accumulation of actions. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that I am the directive principle of Who I Am within each action in my life, because the end result of me is an outflow of who I have been within each action.

Each one has the ability to make a decision in every action, I choose to do what’s best for all, which is not really a choice. I choose to be a living, breathing being that is present and aware, and not a distracted and entertained consumer consuming zombie that does not take all life into consideration in each action. But in order to walk myself out of this mind-state, I have to, step by step, release myself from the ways in which I have abdicated myself to my mind. One of these ways is not applying myself to things that I’ve judged as ‘difficult’, such as school, wherein I literally could not apply myself to focus.

This would probably be called ADD now, however, I intend to discipline myself within focusing, by/through walking myself back into my mind in order to see how I created the distractions that occur in my own mind, as energies, resistances and uncomfortabilities. I have come a long way since starting this process, and the two years I have already spent on this point, on and off over the months. I realize that it took me many many years to develop this point within myself, thus it will take a process to undo it. I realize there are no quick fixes or easy outs, and that it’s just a matter of undoing the programming I myself have done. Self-forgiveness releases this very effectively, and allows for the re-scripting of self, wherein, one becomes free to move oneself as Who One Is moment to moment, and not limited by any ‘state of mind’.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work.

I commit myself to let go of the past memories where I struggled and failed in school, and release myself from the energetic experiences I have created within myself in relation to them.

I commit myself to begin building myself as Who I would like To Be from a clean slate, as I daily clean my slate in order to not carry around the cumbersome burden of a past filled with judgments and self-definitions which, in believing them to be real, have limited me in innumerable ways.

I commit myself to slowing down my mind with self-awareness developed through daily writing, in order that I may SEE the thoughts that seem to ‘pop’ into my head without any intention of my own, thoughts which trigger chain reactions which build into energies that cause the task at hand to seem like so much more than it actually is, which is simply reading,
understanding, synthesizing, and regurgitating- as is the way it works in the current schooling system, unfortunately.

When and as I see a though arise in relation to past memories of struggling at school due to feeling constantly ‘lost’, I stop, and I breathe. I make the directive decision to ground myself back Here by stopping my participation of the thought and deleting it in one moment by not paying attention to it, and instead bringing my focus back to the work in front t of me, which I am NOT lost within, and which I can easily navigate so long as I read the material and focus.

I commit myself to base my self-assessments on the current reality of myself, and not upon past memories and self-definitions which I had created and carried around as survival techniques and self-manipulation to not apply myself and to not remain fully present and aware within that which I do.

I commit myself to stop the old patterns and habits I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, because I see, realize and understand that it is not rational to continue my participation within and as them, as they only serve to limit and diminish me, and that I cannot accept or allow to continue.

When and asI see that I am about to start a project from the starting point of getting through it as quickly as possible, within and as the ‘getting out of work’ character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Here within and as functioning within physical time, breath by breath, and give myself as much time as I may need to do the work properly, within reason. I remind myself that physical breath-by-breath application will seem slow and even unbearable at times, but I move myself as the living realization that there is no other way, so to thus then slow down, take a breath, take it easy, breathe and continue from Here.

I commit myself to stop validating the characters I have created and existed as, by stopping my participation in the validating process of acknowledging and paying attention to the thoughts related to past experiences of ‘getting out of the work’, and instead focusing on the work in front of me breath by breath, and changing my starting point as my approach to the work, from wanting to get it all done as fast as possible, to actually making the directive decision to do it properly, so as to remove the basis platform of this character, thus not leaving it with any leg to stand on, allowing it to fall, and to then replace it with Who I Am Here as the directive of myself as breath.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by stopping re-living it over and over, by changing my behavior as per the above self-commitment, from the point of realization, as the realization that this character is limiting and diminishing me, making me less than who I am.

When and as I see that I am participating in the ‘getting out of work’ character by looking at my work and only seeing millions of words on a page, creating this experience of blankness within me because I don’t yet understand them, as I have not yet read them, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical time by looking at the first paragraph ONLY, reading it through, breathing, and allowing myself to take a moment to absorb what it is saying, from words on a page, to information in my head, to understanding, and then on to the next paragraph.

Within this, I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

To be continued...

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

I am using the tool of

self-forgiveness to work through the following experience:

“I’ve gotten to the point where I am able to move myself to go and actually set time for something and sit down to start it, but then, as I’m doing it, I “just start going crazy” within myself. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that. But I get super uncomfortable and distractible and preoccupied which I accept and allow to pull me away from the task at hand and prolong the time it takes to do it, instead of sitting down, focusing and working through it comfortably.”

In my previous blog I identified the tendency I have to make this an all-consuming experience, affecting many different dimensions of my beingness/awareness/ability to move myself. Thus it is a character I become, as ‘all of me’ is engaged in the experience. The character I identified in my previous blog was what I called the ‘underestimating character’, but upon further looking into it, I see that it’s more of a ‘getting out of work’ character, wherein, I will leave the assignment to last minute because I don’t ‘want’ to do the work.

Then, instead of having left myself enough time to do it, I will have to rush at the last minute and do it all at once. Eventually I ‘get into it’, but it takes a lot, and then I have to really skim and make it look like I had spent a lot of time doing it.

This was a ‘skill’ that got me through elementary and high school, but when I got into college, I could not get away with it, and I dropped out for this reason, among many others. Now, in university, it is impossible to pull this trick. This had made my university experience quite a reality check. Even when I got to the point of sitting down to do it, ,I would try to get out of it, manipulating myself and falling in the face of many resistances. It’s like, if I didn’t have that ‘last minute’ stress pushing me, I simply could not move myself to do the work. If I had two weeks to do it, I would complete it at the very end of that two weeks, if I had one day, I would get it done at the end of that day, and if I had six months, I wouldn’t look at it for five months.

Now I am doing my classes online, so I have to rely on myself completely to manage my time. I have done pretty well with writing about this and pushing myself, but I have still not gotten to the point of simply sitting down and moving myself, breath by breath, through the work. Trying to ‘get out’ of the work had become so ingrained in me as a survival technique throughout my entire academic career, that when it came to a time where I actually wanted to learn and do the work well, I simply did not have the tools such as discipline, focus, time-management and self-movement to do so. So here I am taking on the ‘getting out of the work’ character, because enough is enough, I can no longer accept nor allow this behavior to continue.

So, herein, I will be looking at all the dimensions of a ‘character’, which are the thought, fear, imagination, reaction and physical dimensions, beginning with thought:

Getting Out of Work; Thought Dimension:

1) A picture of me sitting at my desk in front of an assignment drawing a complete blank.

2) The thought that there’s a whole big action packed world ‘out there’ that I’m missing out on, and that the work I have to do is so slow and boring and pointless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest this thought of sitting in front of an assignment and drawing a blank, as a form of self-sabotage, based on past memories of being a student in elementary, high school and college, wherein I would daydream and doodle all day long in class, ‘enduring’ class, so that when I got homework and assignments to do at home, I literally had no idea what I was supposed to do, and would sit in front of it and feel as though it were an impossible task, and give up, or just do some bare minimum work and hope for the best, in which case I would get a bad grade. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I now DO pay attention in class, and I do know what’s going on, and instead of applying what I learned in class and have read in the material, I go into the ‘getting out of work’ character as a survival mechanism, within the assumption that I am incapable of doing the work, and going into the ‘getting out of the work’ character as a survival mode technique, creating and manifesting stress and anxiety within me, wherein I can’t focus and end up easily distracted and unable to absorb and synthesize all the information, thus creating the exact thing I’m trying to avoid, which is: sitting in front of my work, drawing a blank.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate and perpetuate the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by conjuring up thoughts that CONvince me that I’m only going to draw blanks, which I then believe and follow by participating in them through giving them my attention and energy, thus actually making it real in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought of ‘me sitting down at my desk in front of an assignment drawing a blank’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to further sabotage my application of myself by thinking that there’s a whole big action packed world out there that I’m missing out on, and that the work I’m directing myself to do is so slow and boring and pointless, which triggers the ‘getting out of work’ character in which I will put it off and then try to do quickly all at once right before the deadline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to read through material really quickly, looking for key words, and then only reading the parts that I think are relevant to the questions I have to answer or the part I need to research. I understand that there is a certain amount of skimming I have to do, but self-directed skimming where I am grasping concepts and strategically focusing more on some parts and not others is different from frantically trying to get through it as fast as possible and ‘find the answer’ immediately in an attempt to ‘get it over with’, which is NOT acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read frantically through my texts in an attempt to get through it as fast as possible and ‘find the answer’ in an attempt to get it over with, instead of slowing myself down and reading with patience and focus, allowing myself to absorb the concepts the author is trying to convey, in order to integrate the information into my understanding in such a way that I can convey it in my own words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participating in the thought of there being ‘a whole action packed world out there’ filling me with an energetic pull or desire to go ‘out there’ and see it, while at the same time, participating in the thought that my work is so boring and slow and pointless, instead of stopping the thought as it comes by instead taking a breath and continuing to read.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place judgments on the work at hand, such as work being ‘bad and boring’ and not working being ‘good and fun’, wherein I create all sorts of energies within me, instead of stopping my judgments and moving myself to do that which I decide I am going to do in a given moment, and simply moving myself to do it as the directive decision of what I am going to occupy my time with in that given moment. No judgment is necessary to do this, in fact, the judgments placed upon the work create unnecessary relationships that cause me to become frustrated and easily distracted within myself.

Self-commitment and self-corrective application statements to follow…

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

I’ve gotten to the point where I am able to move myself to go and actually set time for something and sit down to start it, but then, as I’m doing it, I “just start going crazy” within myself. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that. But I get super uncomfortable and distractible and preoccupied which I accept and allow to pull me away from the task at hand and prolong the time it takes to do it, instead of sitting down, focusing and working through it comfortably.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from focusing on a project/assignment by following my mind into distractions/preoccupations/resistances which create the experience of powerlessness and thus the experience of ‘going crazy’, as if it were something beyond my control and being done ‘unto’ me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is an experience that builds up over time, starting with my participation in future projections of what I think/believe/perceive that work will be like, within the want/need/desire for it to be easy.
I

 forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the energetic experience of uncomfortability, distractibility, and preoccupation based on my mind, instead of focusing Here, in breathe, as presence and awareness as I move myself physically through the assignment/work/project, at the physical pace at which understanding and information absorption and application takes place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pull myself away from the task I am doing, by following the mind instead of breathing Here, breathing through the consequences I have created for myself, and changing self in order to not create them again.

Today in a conversation it was pointed out to me that there is an underlying character, beneath the ‘self-movement’ point I had been working on, which happens over and over again and sabotages me from achieving effective self-movement, which is extremely frustrating, and which fuels the experience of ‘going crazy’.

What I see within this point is that I’m accepting and allowing all these things to direct and move me, anything except to just be here with me, doing my work. Since I was little I remember looking at schoolwork all at once, and instead of breaking it up and doing it bit by bit, I would just get overwhelmed and think “I can’t do all that” “I can’t understand that because look, I don’t understand that right now”. So here is an obvious lack of consideration for all the small steps that need to take place to work through it.

Tonight for example, I had an assignment. I Already visualized myself done the assignment and in that scenario I projected- it was easy. And I was done quick. In reality, it wasn’t ‘hard’ per se, it just took a lot of focus and actual work and it took almost 4 hours. I ‘ve noticed I would visualize an assignment as being easy and done quickly, and then go to do the assignment, and try to live that experience wherein I would just skim through and do the bare minimum. However now I am more focused on putting my all in to it and reaching the highest standards I practically can. But I’m not able to do as well as I know I could because then I sit down and draw it out super inefficiently and it creates this whole relationship towards it wherein I feel like I’m ‘going crazy’.

For example, the assignment that took almost 4 hours, I could have reasonably done it in less time, but I kept getting up and moving around and becoming distracted. I understand that I cannot just sit there and plow through it completely focused for hours, that I need to take breaks every now and again. But, the point is to have those breaks be self-directed, wherein, I would direct myself to work on the project for, say 45 minutes, and then take a fifteen minute break, and continue like that until the assignment is done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted when I set myself up to sit down and focus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become directed by my mind of energy in moments where I find the work I am doing to be ‘more difficult’ than I had imagined.

I will approach this as a character, identified as the ‘Underestimating’ character, because of the fact that I kno I can do the work, and I know I can do it well so long as I apply myself. But it’s the projection of the work being easy that messes with my application. Whenever I finish an assignment I look back at the work and think, “well, that wasn’t so hard”. However, when I was doing the assignment, especially in the beginning stages, I felt like I was climbing a mountain when I was expecting a molehill. The Underestimating character will be the focus of my blogs till I am confident that I have walked it through and understand it in it’s entirety.

Day105- Helping Others: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

Helpful Character, Imagination Dimension:

This is continued from Day 103- Defending Myself Against the World
And Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine projected scenarios of myself being ‘looked to for help,’ ‘thought of as helpful’. And thought of as’ very dependable and efficient’ by others, wherein I create the whole scene in my mind in order to energize and validate the ‘helpful’ character, in order to continue suppressing the ‘secret’ hidden fear that I will be exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable’, ‘irresponsible’, and ‘inefficient’, instea of actually releasing those fear by changing the base behavior that cause them, which are putting things off, avoiding chores and accepting and allowing laziness or incomplete work as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine scenes of ‘me being helpful to others, and then having the other be grateful and in an improved situation because of me,’ wherein I have accepted and allowed such scenes to play out in my mind as if they were movies that I react to, movies which I direct and manipulate in order to manipulate my reactions to produce a positive feeling within me according to the character in my mind, which creates a negative emotion when reality doesn’t match up with the movie in my mind, creating instability, instead breathing myself out of my mind and into reality in order to practice stability.

Reaction Dimension:

“Feeling good inside, as if my worth had been proven”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the ‘helpful character’ with a ‘good’ or positive feeling because in playing out the character, I feel my worth has been proven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my worth does not need to be proven, as all are of equal worth as Life, and only the false characters we play require to have their worth be proven, as they have no real worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defensive when the help I offer as the ‘helpful’ character is not accepted by another, wherein I take it personally because I had stepped into character, but that character had not been validated, instead of having offered help/assistance/support from a starting point of actual care, one and equal to the other as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create/manifest an ‘excited’ charge within and as me, when and as I see I will have the opportunity to ‘help out’, and within that to desire to be successful, because I know if that happens, that I will successfully validate the helpful character, successfully validate that character as me, and successfully continue to suppress my fear of being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable,’ ‘irresponsible’ and inefficient’.

Physical Reactions:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mself to lower my voice in a try/attempt to make it sound ‘more mature’ and speak within/as a directness in order to ‘seem’ ‘helpful’, ‘dependable’, ‘responsible’ and ‘efficient’, in order to convince another to accept my help, which would be manipulating my physical body to fit into the role of ‘helpful’ character, thus suppressing my natural/normal physical expression with ‘false’ movements that are not ‘Who I Am’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to energize myself as my physical body when and as I see that I am going to go into or have the opportunity to go into the ‘helpful’ character, wherein I participate so thoroughly in making this character real/true/who I am that I bring it out of the mind and into physical reality through accepting/allowing myself to change my facial expression within ‘opening up my face’ by raising my eyebrows and smiling as if to say ‘trust me’, ‘let me help you’ from a starting point of self-interest of validating my character, with is in reality/actuality validating my own limitation and suppression.

 

Self commitments and self-corrective application statements to follow.

Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

This is continued from Day 103-Defending Myself Against the World



I commit myself to check my starting point when I contribute to the group, in order to ensure that it is aligned with actual care and support, and not from a starting point of energy, wherein
I would be seeking an energetic charge from validating the ‘helpful’ character I have created to not face the reality of my beliefs about myself and who I really am, which are that I am 'unhelpful' (without the ability/resources to 'help out' in a significant way), that I am 'un-needed', thus, within the 'helpful' character I play I 'prove' to myself that this isn't true (intead of addressing the belief itself, thus actually accepting and allowing this belief to continue to exist within me, as me), and being 'un-wanted' (wherein, if people would accept my help, I would feel 'wanted'- but only as an experience/belief).



When and as I am offering to help someone out, I stop, and I breathe. I give myself a moment to adjust my starting point, from the self-interest of validating a character to a starting point of oneness and equality to those I am assisting/supporting. I do this by breathing until the energetic charge is gone, and reminding myself to move as me, one and equal to the group, and not as a character.



I commit myself to walk myself out of the direction of the mind and into physical reality by stopping my participation in thoughts as they come up, and by breathing through the positive and negative energetic reactions I experience 1) when I offer help (breathe through the positive reaction/polarity) 2) if/when my help is not accepted (breathe through the negative reaction/polarity).



When and as I am in the position where someone is turning down my offer of help, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am not defined in that moment as ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, ‘unwanted’ or anything at all, I am rather simply hearing the preference of the person. Which is really what I was asking in the first place.



I commit myself to end all self-definitions which would direct me or influence me in moments where I could validate them, and instead by the living definition of myself within/as my self-directed living actions.



When and as I see that I am being directed by the want/need/desire to validate a character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the energetic withdrawal from that character and grounding myself Here, in physical reality, and I wait till there is no movement before I continue my participation again.



I commit myself to uncover everything that I am hiding within myself underneath the characters that I play.



When and as I see that I am ‘helping out’ from a starting point of fearing being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself by reminding myself that Who I Am is not a definition or a judgment, but rather a living, being, doing, from moment to moment and judged only in the end by myself as the consequences of my living, being actions in each and every moment.



I commit myself to check myself, in moment of lack of self-direction, and to take a breath and self-honestly assess my starting point, directing from there.



I commit myself to change not only my surface action, but also te root from which it stems.



I commit myself to dig up all the ‘roots’ as starting points that I had ‘planted’ in unawareness, wherein I commit to getting down to the root of my actions in writing, and re-scripting the root of my actions to be/become aligned with a consideration for the whole, as what’s best for all within the limitations of this physical reality.



When and as I see that my surface action are aligned with validating a character, which is self-suppression, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to check my starting point in order that my actions may reflect an actual care and consideration for the whole and for others as me, by not participating in the thoughts and energies which would fuel my idea of myself, but to instead do the task with no movement within me, making sure from moment to moment that I don’t ‘drift off’ into thoughts, ideas, perception, and beliefs about myself and the actions I am taking.



When and as I see that I am feeding myself as the illusions in the mind of energy when someone is reacting to/towards me in gratefulness for any kind of help/assistance/support I had given, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability within the understanding that to participate in or pursue the positive feeling energy, that I am actually avoiding the underlying fear that my insecurities created by the belief that I am ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, or ‘unwanted’, will be exposed, and are thus being accepted and allowed to continue to exist within and as me. Therefore, I breathe through the want/desire to participate, and allow myself to move forward as the self-directive principle of me, in oneness and equality to myself, as a living action of care and support.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in writing, either public or private, in order to fully understand the truth of me, in awareness and self-honesty, in order that I may ‘clean the slate’ and change. Start again, rescript a new human that considers all life in ever action.

I commit myself to stop chasing validation, as that is the living statement that Who I Am is Not Real, and I instead walk with myself until I validate myself in every moment and every step till my actions are aligned with my principles in every way possible.



I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that I want and need myself to be wholly present with me Here, contributing equally to my self-development and Living Here as an equal participant in Life.