Day 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

This blog is continued from Day 93-My Name is Kim, and Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really?

Within this blog, I am looking at the first example of my name being spoken in a certain tonality, and that tonality having an actual effect on me and on ‘who I am’, instead of standing stable in every moment.
 
Background:

“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here is the first example within which I will walk the process of deconstruction:

1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario. Within this I always hear disappointment within the tonality.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

 I will call this tonality that of ‘disappointment’.

From here, I will self-honestly within me, in hearing the tonality as ‘disappointment, what thoughts/backchats/imaginations of EXPECTATION WITHIN MYSELF have I created in relationship to the other person in MY MIND as an personality that will thus respond when/as the person speak in a disappointed energy.

Because I would have over an extended period of time, created thought, imaginations, backchats towards a person within me as reacting to them in disappointment, and then when they speak in an disappointed energy, my name, this Personality of disappointment I created in my relationship to them will activate.

Thoughts:
 
1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
 
2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.
 
3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.
 
4) The lineup of chairs in front of the principal’s office, where students await their turn to talk to the principal.
 
Backchats/self-talk:
 
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
 
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
 
3) “what I did id none of his/her business”
 
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”
 
Imaginations:
 
1) I imagine myself walking past a bunch of people staring at me in a ‘walk of shame’-type scenario, where the people are all disappointed in me or feeling glad they’re not me.
 
2) I imagine myself standing up and trying to act all cool, but really feeling really self-conscious and being terrified of what I was about to walk into.
 
3) I imagine being face to face with someone, feeling closed-in and exposed and trapped because I would now have to face this disappointing thing I had done.
 
4) I imagine the person talking to me and me feeling like their every word is just pushing me down and like I’m taking a beating, holding back tears but feeling like if I cry then they have won.

In my next blog I will forgive and release the thought dimension of this tonality in relation to my name.

Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

Day 97- Paralyzing Pain (pt 2)

This is a continuation of my last blog, wherein I described waking up in pain worse than I've ever experienced 'out of the blue', meaning- without a direct accident or injury. The perspectve given in italics and surrounded by quotes is from this support article I found and am working through the suggestions given.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

“This is your individual process - really. Stop accepting/allowing you to be preoccupied with other human beings. I suggest you also have a look at the words above. Where within your world you are still accepting / allowing you to participate in such emotions without applying you effectively and stopping them immediately”

 

Anxiety

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate within and as anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to allow anxiety about the job that I do.

When and as I see that I am growing anxious about the job that I do- whether I’ll get a good one, the ‘right’ one, make enough money or make the right decisions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the energetic experience of anxiety by reminding myself that I can only work with what is Here, and make decisions based on each step as it comes, and that anxiety within this is not necessary to do it right or do it well, all I require is me, present and aware, Here, doing one thing at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate in anxiety about school.

When and as I see that I am participating in anxious thoughts about school, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the anxious energy by reminding myself that I’m doing fine, and I can even rather enjoy the process of school and take it as an interest or a hobby that I can immerse myself in as I take it one step at a time till its’ done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest anxiety within and about my relationships.

When and as I see that I am creating anxiety within and about my relationships, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself out of the energetic experience of anxiety by remembering that I am walking this process for me, and that the relationships I am in or develop in my world present me with new opportunities to see myself as who I am, to face myself as who and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be, and to challenge me to stand in moments where I am presented with the choice between self-responsibility and self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about money.

When and as I see that I am projecting my mind in to the future about money and creating anxiety around the fact that money is not a guarantee- yet it is guaranteed that I will always need it and there’s so much I want to do, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself out of anxiety and back to the present moment by reminding myself that no matter what happens, I will do everything I can to support myself, and I will use all available resources to do so.

Strain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself within stopping a couple of habits I am directing myself to stop, instead of realizing that I can stop in one breath, and that it is not a strain, it is a choice made over and over to not stop, and until I make the decision and stand absolute within it, I must simply stop each times and breathe, no strain- simply stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create strain in my relationships, wherein I strain myself as my thoughts that I am responsible for everyone to step up and realize themselves, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I must step up first, and realize myself as Life, and my place and responsibility in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by creating and holding high expectations of myself, without charting or mapping out a way or practical list of steps I must take to ‘get there’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by getting down on myself when I turn out to not be perfect, instead of being patient with myself as I slowly change myself to that which I would like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by wanting and desiring to be done and changed and have it all figured out NOW, instead of giving myself the time of breath, as everything in this world moves breath by breath and cannot move any faster than that.

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘money’ with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick and being useless and dependent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of getting sick and becoming useless and dependent with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by friends and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of being rejected by friends and family with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting my career path choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of regretting my career path choices with fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

Uncertainty

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty within my relationship and whether or not: the decision will stand, we will stand and the end result will be what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty within my job choices and whether it is the best choice that will give me the best results fastest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty with where I have chosen to live- whether it was the best choice or would things be better  in the other location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty with my choice of degrees, whether it was the best choice for me and will it lead to a career that suits me, or will it lead to a career at all?

I see, realize and understand that because I cannot predict the future, Life will always be full of ‘uncertainties’, and that the only thing I have control over making certain is Who I Am and how I apply myself in this life and this world, and so long as I have certainty within myself, then I can be certain that I can and will direct my life and world to an outcome that serves me and the principles I choose to live by.

Judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process and progress, instead of accepting myself in every way before I change the parts of me I cannot accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others instead of realizing that everything I judge in another is actually something I judge in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself based on my appearance, wherein, if the judgment is that I look good, then I will feel good, and vice versa, therefore basing ho I Am on something as shallow and beyond my control as physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a heightened sense f judgment towards those closest to me, because they reflect me to myself the most, and instead of facing or even seeing the self-judgment, I project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am around others, wherein all my secret self-judgment comes up and I then experience myself as ‘shy’ and ‘awkward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as sloppy and lazy instead of pushing myself to become more disciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as out of shape instead of eating well and exercising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as boring and uncool instead of opening up and expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a ‘debbie-downer’ instead of taking some moments sometimes to simply enjoy my environment and the people in it.

Resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change, instead of realizing this is simply the mind’s tactic of keeping me ‘up there’ thinking and not grounded Here in the physical, working and changing through actual actions in reality, by doing and being, whereas the mind would prefer to remain the same and not change or be challenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist pushing myself to write and do homework, instead of seeing and realizing that the experience of resistance only lasts for so long, until it gives way and I become interested and engaged in what it is I had previously been resistant toward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking responsibility for small things such as picking up after myself and keeping my living space clean. I do these things, but manifest resistance each time, instead of being grateful for my physical environment and all the ways it supports me and all the things I have to make life more comfortable such as clothes and dishes, a shelter and furniture.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting resistance towards tidying up after myself, doing dishes and laundry, vacuuming and putting items away, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by bringing myself from resistance to gratefulness, wherein I am able to be grateful for each item in my environment, as well as the shelter it provides me, and so I direct myself to tidy and keep a clean living space as an act of gratefulness, with no reaction to the actions taken to do so, simply to do so with and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest resistances towards job hunting, because it is not easy and it is humbling in that I have to start from scratch and have no experience in the field I want to work in. I direct myself to push through the resistances, and all the excuses I make to validate those resistances, and to pick up the intensity of my job hunt, as I want to be working as soon as possible.

Day 96- Paralyzing Pain

I woke up in the middle of the night with pain so bad in my head and back that the thought occurred that I would prefer to die then to continue experiencing this pain-lol! I took the first pain medication I could find, which I found out later had been expired for two years, I got the only heating pad I have, which is designed for cats, which only activates when there is enough pressure on it- And I slept on and off on the couch and in the morning I could not move. I could not get up until I absolutely had to to go to the bathroom, wherein the pain literally took my breath away as I moved. I found some heavier pain medication and took it, but the pain persists, So I did a little research and found the following article which I applied self-forgiveness on all the points I could relate to:

“Perspective:

This specific area (upper back and neck) is 'related to' the 'manifestation system' of the experience of the words:

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

“Where your breathing is within constant anxiety within you - so your focus /attention is on the anxiety you experience within you, which cause strain within your application together with fear of the uncertainty of whether your application is effective enough - which cause self judgment within you and then the inevitable resistance to actually apply yourself. So, it's a 'cycle' that manifests as a system because of mind / thought participation.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed constant anxiety to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe within constant anxiety and with a constant focus upon the anxiety that I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly focus on the anxiety that I have accepted and allowed to exist as a constant experience within me, causing strain within my application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest fear and uncertainty about my application within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose fear and uncertainty instead of patiently developing self-trust.

I commit myself to be and become the patience, dedication, perseverance and commitment necessary to develop absolute self-trust as Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about my application, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-judgment does not change me or create results, is it a waste of time and the outcome is self-sabotage, what does/will change me and create results that are best for me is testing out my application and making adjustments where needed.

I commit myself to the careful documentation of myself and my process in order that I may understand what I am doing and why I am doing it, so that I can test it out and look self-honestly at the results, and make common-sense changes where needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-judgment, wherein I have thus then created resistances within me.

“The 'main cause' of this is your 'anxiety towards others / other people' within your world: Your thoughts 'straining much' towards other human being's reactions within your world towards you because you are participating in this process. The question you have to ask yourself ... is to ensure that you're doing this process for you, and you alone. Other human beings and their 'thoughts and their minds' are really irrelevant. At the moment you're allowing your mind to be preoccupied with what could/might possibly be occurring within other human being's mind's, which is a real mind fuck.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest anxiety within myself towards others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself towards other human being’s reactions within my world towards me because I am participating in this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with other human beings, and I remind myself that this is my individual process.

When and as I see that I am straining much about other beings reactions towards me because of my participation in this process, I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself back in reality by reminding myself that I am doing this process for me, and me alone. The thoughts in the minds of other human beings are irrelevant, and I see the lack of common sense in preoccupying my mind with what could/might possibly be occurring within other human being’s minds.

To be continued...

Day 95- A Life of Regrets?

I’m going to take a pause from my last two blogs in order to address a point that has come up in the form of the beginnings of a migraine. I have recently spoken with people who have done self-forgiveness through migraines until they were gone. I have been doing self-forgiveness out loud all day when I’ve had a chance, like in the car or in my house when I’m alone, and it seems to be working, because although the migraine came mighty close- it never happened. But I can still feel it lingering behind my temples, and all the symptoms of sensitivity to lights, nausea and a throbbing sensation are here, so, I wanted to look into and forgive the thoughts that have been coming up in relation to the pain.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my relationships to others.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within relationships, for fear of being judged, humiliated, belittled, ridiculed, made fun of and/or rejected.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, belittled, humiliated, ridiculed, made fun of and rejected, within the belief that, if any one of these things were to happen to me, or if another did any of these things unto me, that it would be true and be who I am.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that anyone has the power to ‘make’ me feel these ways except me, and that I do it as a defense mechanism of the mind as ego, which creates experiences to protect itself and the characters I have created myself as, which have a built-in self-preservation technique that create fears within me whenever my ego, beliefs, personalities or characters are challenged, wherein I end up either outwardly becoming angry, or inwardly suppressing myself and compromising myself to everything outside of myself, slowly transforming myself over time into something I don’t even recognize, only to realize that I have not been living.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself freely and fearlessly, nor accepted or allowed myself to truly experience myself as Life in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that fears and resistance always indicate and opportunity for me to push through and change and grow, wherein, each time I am confronted by something I fear or am resistant towards, it is a window of opportunity showing me that I am protecting something of myself, and giving me the opportunity to realize that I do not require protection, because Who I Am is Life, and life cannot be ridiculed, belittled, humiliated, made fun of, judged or rejected, because Life is here absolute, and as I stand as the Life that I am, I too stand as that absoluteness to which we are all a part of, if only we would each and every one of us take the opportunity to become it, instead of suppressing ourselves within and as fear and self-compromise, or bursting out in anger at and blame at those around us.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am in control because I make these things real by reacting to them, and in reacting to them I am making the statement that ‘yes’, that is who/what I am by giving it my energy and confirmation, and so even by simply fearing these things, and changing my behaviours due to that fear, I am confirming them as acceptable and allowable within and as me, instead of breathing through that fear and not participating within and as it, and directing myself to stop and return to here, out from the mind and grounded firmly Here, in living reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ridiculed, made fun of, belittled, rejected and humiliated within relationships with others because I have held on to the memories of past experiences where this in fact happened, and instead of realizing in those moments that only I decide what I accept/allow within me, I abdicated that self-responsibility to the automatic programs of the mind, and I reacted as if it were true and ‘who I was’ because of the emotional experience that accompanied it, wherein I trusted that experience as real, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was an experience that I could have stopped in an instant, thus proving it was not real, and not who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself as life and living, to compromise, fear and suppression for the sake of ego, causing me to be an absolute slave to ego, just as so many human beings are today: slaves to the egos of those who have more, to those who can afford the pursuit of their own happiness while the rest slave away in the background. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of such slavery within and as me, as that which exists in this world exists within each one of us to differing degrees.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, belittle, ridicule, make fun of, reject and judge others for the protection and sake of my own ego, wherein, even as a young child I would perpetuate these things, as children can be the most vicious, and instead of teaching ourselves and our children how to take self-responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and emotions we experience within us, we accept and allow them to perpetuate it, as we do, over and over throughout our lives, instead of ever actually living and treating each other and ourselves with the integrity required to live as equals.

 I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to treat myself with dignity and respect in every moment, but have instead looked to be treated this way by others in order to prove to myself that I deserve it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is a Gift of Grace that has been given to us all unconditionally, and so it is up to each one to decide to treat each self as Life with the dignity and respect that all Life deserves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise life in any way for the sake of ego/energy/mind.

Memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of 2nd grade, when a group of girls collected together and when one said I was the ugliest girl in the class and then encouraged the others to agree, which they eventually did, and within me, in that moment I felt belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of and rejected, and instead of stopping these reactions as what they were-fleeting energetic reactions- I held on to them and feared them to happen again, and developed personalities and characters in order to protect myself and avoid ever feeling these things again. And then, when events would inevitably come up again, I would bring this memory back up so as to confirm it to myself that what others say about me is true, especially when it is agreed upon in a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay that moment within me, the time between when the girl made the statement, till she got the others to agree, wherein I felt like in that moment, my fate was in their hands, not realizing I was waiting for someone to stick up for me, and when no one did, I felt hurt, disappointed and let down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I could have stood up for myself, and let go of the whole thing in one breath. But instead:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built relationships around this fear that the others will hurt me, disappoint me and let me down, and that I am not safe because at any moment, someone can hurt me, disappoint me, or let me down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I hurt, disappointed and let myself down by not standing up for me.

Memory 2:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory in 5th grade when a boy made fun of me in front of my best friend, and because of the presence of my best friend I was even more embarrassed than had I been alone, but instead of staying quiet, I stuck up for myself because my friend was there, and I didn’t want her to see me that way. And I quite effectively stood up in that moment. But,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it would have been that easy to stand up for myself each time, but I hadn’t really stood up for myself as life, I had stood up for my ego being bruised in front of my best friend, thus the lesson never stuck , but I’ve hung on to the memory because I’ve charged it with fear and embarrassment, instead of having changed in that moment and let the memory go, I accepted/allowed myself to continue not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of being made fun of and sticking up for myself out of fear exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly bring this memory up throughout my life, as proof that I can’t stick up for myself, because according to the memory- even when I stick up for myself, it is fear-based.

I commit myself to stand up for myself as life.

I commit myself to treat myself with the dignity, respect and integrity of Life that I am.

I commit myself to never again confirm or validate myself as being belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of, rejected or mocked.

I commit myself to never again let myself down by not standing up or speaking up out of fear.

I commit myself to support myself to stand up as Life.

I commit myself to always be there for me.
When and as I am feeling myself being attacked, humiliated, rejected, made fun of, judged, or belittled, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that only I validate and confirm these experiences within me, thus if I decide not to- then they do not get to exist. I remind myself that only ego gets bruised and that there is nothing of me that
I cannot expose and laugh at without having it ‘make me less’. However, when and as I see that I require being defended, I stop, and I breathe, and I allow myself to step up for me, to step through the fear and speak from common sense, as what I know is true: Life cannot ever be made less than what it is, Life can never be diminished.

Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I REALLY?

This blog consists of three examples of memories and reactions and the contexts of my name being spoken in different tonalities. For the context of this blog, check out yesterday’s blog where I explain in greater detail how,





“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here are the examples, and in my next blog, I will walk the process of deconstruction, which leads to an interesting surprise which anyone can apply in their lives:





1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, like in a doctor’s office or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

2) “Kim-eeeee!” Spoken excitedly. Most of my long-time friends and family call/called my Kimmy, so it has been used quite prominently as a ‘main’ name for me.
The earliest memory I have of my name spoken in this tone is when I was about 4 or 5, by my friend, upon first seeing me, when we would be about to play together. We would have so much fun as we played together, and the excitement in the tone made me feel like he really enjoyed spending time together and enjoyed me. Sometimes it would surprise me how much that ‘came out’ in the tone, like, I would not expect someone to be that happy or excited to see me, so I must be someone/something quite special. And that confirmed to me that yes, I in fact felt the same way about him, and then everything we did together was fun and exciting. So when I hear my name being spoken in this tone I get this sensation all through my body of warmth and happiness and excitement and kind feelings towards the person saying it- like something really nice and fun is about to happen.





3) “Kiii-iiim” Spoken in an accusatory/annoyed tone. My reaction to this tone is one of hurt, guilt and anger, wherein I feel I have done something wrong, usually due to not being careful enough, and unsually unintentionally.The memory I have associated to this tone is that of a friend saying my name this way when I accidentally hung up the phone by sitting on it while she was talking. She was having a fight with her boyfriend and she was annoyed or mad because now he would think she hung up on him and that would complicate the argument they were having. I felt hurt because I was the receiver of anger when I felt I would not do such a thing on purpose- it was an accident. I felt guilt because, even though it was an accident, I in fact had done the ‘wrong’ thing, by hanging up the phone because I was not careful where I was sitting, and I felt angry because I was being accused of something, and I believed that one should only be accused of something if one had done something intentionally wrong. So that is generally the character I go into when I hear my name spoken in this way.



More to continue in my next blog....

 

Hi, My Name is Kim

It has recently been brought to my attention that the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program.

And if you think about it- it really is like a program. I experience something in my world, say- someone says my name in an angry tone, and all of a sudden- as if by magic, I am experiencing myself differently than I was seconds earlier. Maybe I'm feeling fearful, rigid, tense etc.. Why? Because of memories where someone said my name in an angry tone and then something happened that allowed me to justify the negative experience occurring within me, such as something like a negative consequence as being yelled at or being punished.

It was not my choosing to select and bring forth such memories, I mean, why would I want to experience that again, or experience it every time someone says my name in an angry tone.?The truth is, I wouldn't- yet I do, without even realizing it. Because I have it programmed into me that a certain tone associated to my name triggers a certain chemical to release into my blood and cause me to experience myself a certain way, which usually impacts everything I do while I’m experiencing it, so that the outflows of that chemical release as a feeling or emotion, actually ripples through me, changes Who I AM, and then has an influence or impact on those around me through my interaction with them, as well as everything I do. So, as simple and seemingly insignificant as these programs may seem, they actually have a lot of influence, if you consider they are occurring all the time and within everyone.
These programs are determined by the things we previously experienced, which become memories and  feeling or emotional experiences, and the personalities we developed to cope with those experiences, which are like a cast of characters (such as, for me, ‘school Kim’, ‘work Kim’, ‘social life Kim’, ‘family Kim’, ‘girlfriend or wife Kim’, ‘friend Kim’, ‘girl next door Kim’, ‘sad or happy Kim’, ‘confident Kim’, ‘insecure Kim’ and so on… you get the point), and then the thoughts, feelings and emotions which are triggered and stem up from these characters and manifest inside of us as internal experiences which then effect the way, the who, and the how that we are (for example: ‘friend Kim’ likes to go out and be social, but ‘insecure Kim’ would rather stay home and eat junk food and watch tv, or ‘confidant Kim’ studies hard and stays on top of her work, but that is sabotaged by ‘sad Kim’ who mopes around and procrastinates and feels that life is pointless).

So, where in all this, is my agency? I mean, yes, throughout my life here and there I have applied myself with everything I have and followed through on something, but even within those endeavors, was I completely in control of Who I Am, within my life and world? Was I in control every time I spoke with my mom, dad, husband, sister, nieces and nephews, teachers, friends etc… or did I get angry, frustrated, insulted, annoyed, excited, motivated etc…thus triggering characters? How about when I wanted to eat healthy or exercise, watch less tv, call my grandmother, stop after this drink, stop after this bite, walk the dog more, read more, be patient with my coworkers, speak up in class, start assignments sooner, loosen up in social groups, learn to listen, express myself more clearly, stop biting my nails, take shorter showers, use natural cleaners? – Meaning, even during the times in my life where I made decisions and saw them through to completion, can I really say that, in every moment, it was ME who was living and making every decision? Or how often was it one of my cast of characters? In other words, how much of it was being run on these automatic programs that developed within the first seven or so years of my life? And so- how many of our daily actions can we really say we make the directive decision to do, when we do them, and how well we do them? And how much of what we do is just being pulled around on auto-pilot, by some seemingly all powerful force that we don’t even realize is directing us and pulling the strings in our lives.
I am going to look at this automation by looking at my name, ‘Kim’, and to look at the memories I’ve associated with it based on the tonality with which it is spoken to me, and how that tonality actually affects the entirety of the way and the Who that I am. Is it ME,  or is it the pre-designed memory-based character that is activated based on the memories triggered by the tonality of voice used when and as my name is spoken? And again-this functions the exact same way for everyone. And if you follow this blog series on ‘Names’ , you will see there is a very interesting surprise, which you will be able to look at and apply in your own life, that may answer a lot of questions about who we are and why we are the way we are in this context.
In my next blog, I will look at three examples of name tonalities, the reactions experienced toward them, and the memories associated with them.