Day 13- Secret Thoughts From My Evil Mind

          One of the most empowering things I have learned through studying DIP is the fact that nothing we feel is a result of anybody else’s doing but our own, and nothing we judge has anything to do with whom we are judging, rather, it has very much to do with what we are avoiding in ourselves. These realizations saved me today as I walked a shaky path of overwhelming reactions.

It is my time of the month, so to speak, so I’m emotional, angry, insecure, crabby, and all those fun things. It still catches me off guard sometimes when I get like this, but then I realize ‘oh ya, it’s just my period.’ However, one’s menstrual cycle does not magically manifest insecurity, resentment, anger and all those things. They are already existent within, and for me, it is a monthly occurrence that they tend to once in a while, knock me off my feet.

Today I went into these kinds of reactions, wherein at one point all I could do was close my eyes and breathe until I calmed me down. I couldn’t speak self-forgiveness out loud because I was in the car with someone and they would probably think I was crazy. But I have, in moments, spoken self-forgiveness out loud during a reaction and it was amazing the way I could literally pull myself up and out of the reaction and back into full control of myself and my day.

Anyways, I will write out the main point from today, which was backchat, so that I may get a grip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have secret mind thoughts about another being in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my true self to emerge in sneaky and secretive ways in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat patterns of abuse wherein I blame another for my own lack of self-responsibility and inability to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame towards another for me not being able to do what I want, when I see, realize and understand that the point is fear of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what another may think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my own self-judgment off of other beings in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another instead of looking at myself and what I’m not facing within me, because the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel resentful towards another being because I have used blame for things that I am responsible for but abdicated to that person, thus giving my power away to him/her and then resenting him/her for it, instead of taking responsibility for myself and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe blame is real, implying that someone else can have an actual influence in my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing it’s all me, and instead of taking the actions I need to take in order to deal with and face my true self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another’s appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on the picture presentation of other beings instead of valuing them for who they are as life, equal and one with me and with all that’s here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insecure around another because of the self-judgment I exist within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing everything and all of me on the line in every moment, due to fear and fear of judgment, and then blaming and resenting another for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become enslaved by fear and fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself in every moment.

When and as I see that I am participating in secret mind thoughts about another, I immediately STOP, and breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that backchat is an act of abdication of self-responsibility and is therefore abusive and diminishing to myself and the other. I take note of that which I am backchatting about so that I may look for where it is in myself in order to write it out and forgive it.

Day 12- How I Manipulated Men to Love Me

My pattern within relationships starts with the belief that a male may not prefer/desire/be attracted to/enjoy me as I am. How that belief was developed is a whole other pattern that I created for myself and lived over and over until I believed it to be so real that I defined myself by it and made it real. So my starting point within relationships is “I’m not good enough as I am.” So what I did is, I observed males, I observed for signs of interest in me, and then I observe and absorb what it was that they like, either about me or about women and people in general, and then I would become that, I would become the ‘dream girl’ by compromising my self, my self-expression as who I really am, in order to feel not only ‘good enough,’ but ‘the best.’ So as time passes I manipulate my partner until I have him ‘loving me’, at which point I slowly start to blame him for my self-suppression, because he is ‘happy’ and I am miserable. I become angry and resentful that I have placed his happiness and satisfaction above me, above living, and above my relationship to myself. I begin to develop backchat about him and to dislike him, even sometimes I would begin to dread spending time with my partners wherein I would only feel free when I was alone. Eventually I break off the relationship because I become so miserable and I end up feeling painfully guilty because deep down, I know what I did and what I was doing the whole time and thus, I knew the relationship was bound to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as un-likeable, un-desirable, unattractive and un-enjoyable because of and due to past life experiences, emotional energetic reaction and judgments I had to them, and beliefs which I repeated and confirmed to myself over and over and over until it actually became who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create patterns of thought and actions/reactions which I utilize to experience myself as ‘not good enough as I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am ‘not good enough as I am,’ or that I am lacking or invalidated in any way. I simply STOP these thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions and beliefs as the addiction that they are, because that is the FIRST step to and towards re-scripting myself in a way that’s best for me, that respects my integrity, that does not compromise my self-expression, and that assists and support me to be and become a whole human being that is capable of standing alone as all-one, as I stand for all in equality, which begins with self-equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a master of scripting and molding myself to be and become the object of desire and fancy of a male because I of acting/behaving from a starting point of ‘not good enough as I am’ and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in order to be something else, which I defined as ‘better-than’ what I am in order to ‘win’ the interest of a male so that I could mentally validate myself as ‘good enough’ and be the ‘winner’ in my secret competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in observing the habits of others in order to find out their likes and dislikes, and to try or attempt to subtly ‘become that’ in order that they may like me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my entire starting point of ‘who I am’ on insecurity, based on the self-created belief that ‘I am not good enough the way I am.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into liking me because I have lived in such a way that I only ‘feel better’ and ‘feel secure’ when I receive external validation and positive feedback from those in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my power by fearing negative feedback within the belief that, if I were to receive negative feedback I would not be valid, I would not be good enough, I would feel bad, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘feeling invalidated,’ feeling as though I’m ‘not good enough,’ and feeling ‘bad.’ In reality, when I get negative feedback, I usually experience relief and empowered because I see that I remain and I am Here, and I do not require the validation or positive feedback of another. This shows me that the fear is truly irrational, and only plagues me when I get positive feedback, because if I have positive feedback I fear losing it, but if I lose it I will only see that I remain, I do not require an outside source to justify, validate or approve of me. I am Here. There was a time however, before Desteni, that this was not the case, and if I did receive negative feedback it would really bother me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise, suppress and abuse myself in order to appease my ego of wanting, needing and desiring to be wanted, needed and desired. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exasperate this self-compromise, self-abuse and self-suppression by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘good enough’ is not good enough, as the new goal must be to be ‘the best.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others by manipulating them to like me, or love me, as I, in absolute self-interest, use them to feed my insatiable ego as I bounce back and forth from feeling like slime to feeling like ‘the best’ in endless cycles of manipulation and abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can become something I’m not in order to become what I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on irrational thoughts based in irrational feelings and internal experiences that I created based on patterns of ego instead of looking at what is actually Here and only then deciding the practical course of action which will walk me into and through the self-development of stability and relationships of mutual trust, respect, support and expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and resentment towards those whom I have compromised myself for, blaming them for what I have done unto me, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop compromising myself and walk instead as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt others for the sake of my own internal experience and my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and hang onto that guilt for hurting others for the sake of my own internal experience and ego, and for not considering them and who they are within the relationship, thus not seeing them as my equal, but rather as my subordinate whom I use and abuse in order to control the way I feel inside myself, instead of realizing that the way I feel inside myself is nobody’s responsibility but my own, as it affects nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and play-out relationships that I knew were bound to fail, simply for the fact that I was basing my decision on irrational thoughts and  a serious lack of foresight.

I realize that in order to enter into and maintain arelationship that benefits all I will enter into it as an equal and do unto the other as I would have done do unto me.

I realize that I am completely responsible for my internal experience of myself, and that nobody has any real influence upon it but me.

I realize that I have used manipulation and blame as self-sabotage within the relationships I have entered into in my life.

I realize that I have not honoured myself within and as my self-relationship, and therefore I have not entered into relationships with others as a self-honest being of integrity and who is capable of actual real respect.

I commit myself to honouring myself by changing my living application to one that builds self-trust, integrity and self-respect so that I may enter into relationships that build the same.

I commit myself to openness, vulnerability, transparency and trust within my relationship, exposing my secret mind so that I do not harbor resentment and blame, and giving to my partner that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to living and walking with my partner as an equal in self-honesty and respect, honouring him as myself by sharing me completely with no secrets and a stated and determined life path.

When I see that I’m going into manipulation tactics, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the behavior is abusive and self-compromising, coming from a starting point of insecurity and ego, and will only create and harbor resentment and blame and end up destroying my relationship. Manipulation tactics include behaviour which stems from a starting point of wanting to feel desired, attractive, liked or enjoyable, for example.

Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled

There are several if not many things that hit me where it hurts. Two of them were placed in my face today and I stood there and fought for my limitations. One is dancing- I suck at it and I feel judged when I do it. The second is working out, it’s hard and I don’t want to do it. The truth is this is my ego that judges itself and doesn’t want to work hard, and so the underlying truth is that I have resistances towards these things which I have created for myself- which aren’t even real. But the point of this blog is not the fact that I believe I can’t dance or will work out later, the point is the fight I had in me when someone tried to challenge my ego by questioning my reasoning.

            Luckily I am becoming more and more familiar with self-honesty, so as I stood there feeling increasingly constricted in my chest and super rigid and defensive, I kept telling myself, this is not true, this is not who I am. What I observed within myself was like, I scarcely had control over myself in the way I wanted to argue and defend myself- but it wasn’t even me, it was these beliefs I had created that have defined me, which I clung to for security because if I were to let them go, or to admit they weren’t real, I would have to face myself: My fear of dancing which is just my self-judgment. My resistance to working out, which is just my resistance to pushing myself. I obviously can ‘get over’ these hang-ups I have, there’s nothing stopping me from that, so everything that I was arguing was an excuse. In the end I had to swallow my ego and my pride and own up to the fact that I was justifying my limitations with excuses so as not to have to face me.

            Thankfully I did not continue arguing as I was using self-honesty to observe what was going on inside of me in terms of my reactions and emotions I could see how easily this type of thing can escalate. I saw myself trying or wanting to get mad, to fight tooth and nail to be right, even though I KNEW I was not. I was talking to someone who does not put up with my bullshit excuses, so he was not backing down either. In the end I had to admit to myself that I was limiting myself by believing my beliefs to be real, which is an interesting observation because it is an experience with which I can probably relate to adamantly religious people or ‘love and light’ spiritualists, or anyone who defines themselves and their existence upon belief systems. Believing in something faith-based while the actual physical evidence is telling something different can be a tough pill to swallow, because taking comfort in beliefs and then defining oneself by them will cause one to fight tooth and nail to not have to face the possibility that the belief isn’t real, because then the only thing left is facing yourself. When I swallowed my ego and my pride a funny thing happened, after a small inner tantrum which manifested in tears at my final ‘giving up’ on my ego’s argument, I felt more stable, I felt more Able, I felt like I could breathe again and like I could now take forward steps and start working on these areas of my life. I was humbled, which is always cool.

            So there it is- blind faith, existent within ME. I always considered myself a skeptic, but it appears I have placed blind faith in my beliefs about myself rather than beliefs outside of me such as in a god or deity or whatever. It’s different, yet at the same time it is exactly the same. Blind is blind, faith is faith. I remind myself to base my definition of myself only upon that which is Here, real, physical, which I have proven to myself through writing and application. Otherwise I will limit myself by beliefs, or believe myself to be something I am not, which is ego, and which sets me up for a great fall.

            In the end we made up. Thankfully I have been learning about and practicing the tools of self-forgiveness together with self-honesty, because without them this would have been a fight. It could have been a nasty one too. Instead it ended in a more intimate understanding of each other, a hug and a serious lesson for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ego, within and as the self-limiting beliefs that I use to define myself in order to keep myself down, trapped and enslaved to my mind of judgment, instead of unconditionally living and constantly pushing myself to test the boundaries of my limitations so that I can see, within this lifetime, just how far I can go and what I am capable of because otherwise, what is the point of living? Within this, of course remain the principles of oneness and equality. Just because I was born into a life where I get to experiment with ‘unconditional living’ while millions starve does not give me the right to indulge my every whim and fancy as I ‘push myself to test the boundaries of my limitations,’ the focus, starting point and raison d’etre of realizing oneself as Life, is realizing Life as oneself. Therefore we have aresponsibility to Life. We have a responsibility to ourselves first, to stop our own self-enslavement to the thoughts, patterns, emotions, reaction, judgments etc…, in order that we may stand up to stop the enslavement of all by this economic system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations, especially because I am aware of this behavior, and especially because, even as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger outwards at the individual whom I was arguing with, instead of realizing that that anger was only all about me, as I was/am angry with myself for limiting myself, for believing my self-created limitations, and for arguing for them. The only way to release this anger is to stop creating it, by not participating in this behavior again. I can use ‘red flags’ to warn myself that I am starting to participate in such behavior, such as getting defensive and feeling my chest tightening, feeling picked on, feeling attacked, feeling what seems like an uncontrollable desire to use ridiculous excuses to defend myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in self-limiting behavior which makes me angry, but not angry enough to actually change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself to become ‘angry enough’ before changing me, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing me by arguing for my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego to be me and to be real or who I really am, instead of realizing that this would be an extremely limited and enslaved existence, whereas living humbly as no-better-or-worse-than, and ‘a part of’ what is Here is expansive (as opposed to living in my own little separate bubble of an ego which is all that I know).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my internal feeling experience as an indicator of whether I am right or wrong instead of realizing I am in a reaction and thus taking a step back and looking at the situation in its entirety and seeing the opportunity which is presenting itself for me to choose Life and expansion over ego and limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become controlled by my internal experience because it seems so real and right and overpowering when I know it is not right and I know that I have a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base right and wrong upon internal experiences felt by nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into my own little ego bubble where I can be right just because I feel something inside of me, inside my skull-sized kingdom where I am not usually challenged, but when I am, I fight tooth and nail to be right, instead laying down my arms and facing me in equality, where I don’t become defensive because there’s nothing to defend, it’s either change, or stay limited. The only things that need to be defended and get defensive about are the things we justify when we know they are ‘wrong as in not real, not who we really are. Otherwise there would be no reaction.

I see, realize and understand that I there is no point in defending myself as ego because if I choose that route I will never have a stable leg to stand on.

I realize that if I am walking one and equal to myself then I will not get defensive and reactive, I only become these things when I am in ego, justifying my inferiority/superiority, limitation/beliefs etc…

I realize that the only way to see a situation for what it really is, is if I first make sure I’m not in a reactive state when I look at it.

I realize that how I feel inside does not dictate ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

I realize that I always have the choice of self-direction, even when I feel like I’m in a fight for my life, only the ego has to fight for survival, Life does not need to prove its existence.

I realize that living within and as ego is an extremely limited and limiting existence which places me at the mercy of an endless imagination of fears, judgments, guilt, anxiety and all the other tricks of the mind that are self-created and not real in any way whatsoever, but which become real as we live them by participating in them.

I see, realize and understand that my anger is only about me, and it is a valuable tool for me to use in situations where I am absolutely fed up and need a push to move me from my comfort zone of habits and patterns to walk as self-directive principle into the unknown of actual living.

I commit myself to face me in every breath, Here.

I commit myself to change the things in me that I cannot accept by directing myself to write myself out and write self-corrective statements which I can practically apply and live in my daily life.

I commit myself to stop creating myself, my world and my reality according to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, validations, justifications, reactions and beliefs of the mind and to instead live Here, as an equal, one with what is Here as we all come from the same earth.

When I see myself going into the reaction of defensiveness I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am accepting and allowing my ego to emerge as me and I have a choice. I direct myself to choose life, and to swallow my pride and live equal and one with me, so that I can live equal and one with everybody and all that’s Here.

Also Check out how to practically establish a stable relationship in Failed Relationships

Day 10- Getting Others to Justify My Self-Abuse

While interacting with another person I had to use extreme self-honesty to see what I was up to within my communication with the person. I was talking about my ‘issues’ which I have been alone with for quite some time now, in which I had no reference point but my writing, which I was doing but I was ‘skirting’ the main issues. As I kept it all ‘to myself’ these points built up inside of me. One was guilt about something in my life, which was ‘weighing me down,’ another was fear, of an upcoming event that I have to wait for, the outcome of which will have big implications in my life. I was full of reasons to ‘feel bad’ and to not be present in the moment but to instead worry and torment myself about these ‘big issues’ that were bothering me.

I’m fortunate enough to have someone in my life right now who I can talk to about this stuff and who will not put up with my bullshit as excuses or justifications as to why I ‘should’ be feeling bad, living with anxieties and fears etc… when I know better. He kept calling me out and it was awesome, he was right. I had a lot of resistances to what he was saying, so I knew he was hitting all the right spots. But I found myself, in moments of unawareness, attempting to manipulate him, explain and justify myself and my reasoning for why I was feeling certain ways about certain things. I was fighting for myself to feel like shit, and I was trying to convince him so that he would agree and I would be justified. That is messed up, this is obviously a very destructive pattern which justifies an existence of guilt, fear and anxiety for me. No thanks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the manipulations of myself and another being in order to justify, excuse and validate my energetic emotional experiences of guilt, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think/believe/perceive my external reality to be ‘too big,’ and ‘beyond my control,’ thus allowing myself to be and become absolutely disempowered by it, thus enslaving myself to my external reality instead of walking through situations step by step, directing myself within self-honesty and honouring myself until I am through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energetic emotional experiences of fear, guilt and anxiety due to situations beyond my control, thus allowing my internal experience to seem ‘beyond my control,’ which it is absolutely not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others to justify the perception, idea or belief that my internal experience is beyond my control, thus abdicating my self-responsibility to direct myself, my world and my internal experience in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me within seemingly overwhelming situations instead of realizing that the ‘overwhelming’ feeling is my own creation, it is not necessary, and it is within my power to remain stable as I walk through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others by using manipulation to justify my ‘misery’ instead of calling myself out and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation, justification, excuses and validation of my reactions to events that are taking place outside of me.

I realize I am fully responsible for my internal experience, and that includes maintaining self-honesty and self-movement within and through all events in life, no matter how seemingly overwhelming or ‘big’ or ‘bad’ or ‘serious’, because no matter what happens, I remain.

I realize that I am completely capable of taking my power back from outside events and directing myself breath by breath through situations or events in life.

I realize that I am capable of remaining self-honest when communicating with other human beings, and that it is abusive to myself and the other when I attempt to manipulate the conversation to justify my participation in emotions such as fear guilt and anxiety. Why would I want to justify and validate that anyways? It’s crazy.

When I see myself going into justifications, validation and excuses when in conversation with another about my emotions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that justification, validation and excuses only serve to disempower me from actually directing myself within and as my world. I stop my participation and allow myself to realize that which I am feeling does not serve me, and I breathe until the energetic experience of ‘wanting to be right’ passes so that I can instead see the situation as something that I can navigate through by directing myself in sef-honesty.

I commit myself to self-honesty by not participating in the self-dishonest act of justifying, validating and making excuses for myself to not face me.

I commit myself to reclaim my power, which I have given away to external events which are beyond my control by reacting to them in energetic emotion al experiences instead of directing myself through them as stability.

I commit myself to directing myself through events in life within and as stability as self-honesty as life.

Day 9 - Saying Hello

The most important thing that I’ve learned from having experienced 30 ‘new years’ is that a specific moment or event does not wipe the slate clean and allow one for a new beginning or ‘fresh start.’ I moved home yesterday. I’ve been gone for two years away at school, and now after all that time, I’m back.  I came back for three months in the summer last year, when I was all full of hope and ideas of new beginnings and fresh starts because I was all excited about ‘who I was going to be’ this time, and how I had changed and how everything would be different. Well, that didn’t happen. My bullshit was waiting for me there, like a stalker waiting patiently for its unsuspecting prey, it pounced on me the moment the initial excitement of being back home left and the reality of me, of who I am, settled back in. This leads me to the topic of today’s pattern: saying hello.

When I say hello to people who I’m meeting for the first time, sometimes I project into the future about the wonderful friendship I will have with them, the friendship I always dreamed of, and I just get a feel that maybe this will happen with this person. Or with moving; I love moving- changing apartments, changing cities, states, countries- because of the false perception I’ve created where I feel as though I have a new chance at a fresh start, as if I can run away from my problems, or from myself.

This dd not happen this time, because I decided not to delay the inevitable by participating in the energetic excitement of ‘fresh starts’ and ‘new beginnings’. I fell back into my personality that I created here immediately and the familiarity of the struggles and battles that occurred within me daily two years ago were right here with me, because, obviously, they were never gone. Its only day one and I already resisted getting up in the morning, getting ready for the da, I went online for too long, I procrastinated on getting out to do my errands, unpacking and organizing my life here, and I became overwhelmed by all the things I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am starting something new, that I can forget about who and what and how I am and have become as a human being and ‘start fresh’ without identifying, stopping and changing all the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in that have created me as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can ‘clean my slate’ by changing locations or starting new endeavors, without fully considering the entirety of who, what and how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can so easily change, and that I can avoid facing me, or hide from myself by simply moving, doing something new or meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to escape me and to not have to face and work through all the bullshit I have carried with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to abdicate my responsibility to myself by hiding or running away from myself, thus abdicating my responsibility to Life and by trying to find a ‘way out’ or a back door I can slip through and escape from, instead of realizing the simple truth that I cannot run away or hide from myself, and every time I try to I actually undermine any progress I may have made towards self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing me, and to resist working throu my bullshit as my baggage that I have created and manifested for myself throughout a life-time of not taking responsibility, instead of realizing that I am Here, and I’m not going anywhere so I might as well stop the games and start living for real, which begins by stepping up and exposing me to myself in order to stop and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energetic projections into the future to a future person or place I want to be without considering who I actually am and what it will take to get there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future a ‘me’ that is carefree, fun-loving, expressive, fearless and uninhibited and organized, instead of realizing myself as who and what I am, wherein I struggle with suppression, I often fear self-expression, I feel constantly inhibited by fear, shyness, embarrassment and judgment and I often struggle to get the basic life-stuff organized into an effective pattern of consistency.

Within this pattern of projecting, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by setting myself up for failure by projecting something that will take a process to get to, as if it is that easy to change the nature of who I am without first getting to know who I am, why I am, where I am and how I am. Until I know me completely, I will not be able to be fully Here, because there will always be a hidden part of me waiting to pounce on me in unsuspecting moments that will undermine me until I have faced me in my entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine what it would be like to be a different person, to experience myself as some ideal I have created instead of coming to terms with me Here, and walking with myself through space and time as I assist and support myself to let go, work through and expose me Here.

I commit myself to myself, the self that I am Here, to walking with myself through my manifested consequences until I am known in my entirety so that I may be able to be Here with the rest of humanity in this reality instead of in my head as a future projection that does not exist.

I commit myself to working towards self-change Here, where I actually am, within the realization that I cannot run from me, and that a new situation or place does not automatically grant me a ‘fresh start; but rather every breath I take is a fresh start as a starting point for me to start, and to keep starting until I’m done

Day 8 – Saying Goodbye

Today was the day of goodbyes. I have always feared crying in front of people and due to this fear would suppress it as if my life depended on it. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally expressive was a terrifying experience for me at first, but as I got used to it I also got used to expressing myself more and more until finally, I became comfortable with it in relation to that person. However, I would project my suppressed self on to those who have know me for longer, and within this I have to face/accept my self-change when I am with them. Today I had to say goodbye. Due to the entire life/circumstantial/situational changes I am walking into, I had projections and fears that created an overwhelming emotional experience within me, and I pushed myself to walk through the self-created pattern of suppression by allowing myself to cry, but I still had reactions, so...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear crying/expressing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of others when I cry/express myself/expose myself in front of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying/expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying because I think that it reveals my weakness/the fact that I am weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive crying as weakness instead of realizing that crying can simply be a release of overwhelming emotions that I have accepted and allowed to build up within me due to my participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, regrets and projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen or perceived as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see or perceive myself as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an image of myself as strong ad together and then projecting that image out as who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt/try to manipulate others to see mr a certain way so that I may confirm to myself that I am that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project strength and togetherness to hide the fact that I believe myself to be weak and scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am weak and scattered, thus creating the polarity of myself as strong and together instead of simply being me Here, and working with myself through that which needs to be worked through in the moment in order to create myself as stability within the understanding that ‘I got this’, I can handle me through that which needs to be handled. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt or try to create a belief of strength and togetherness through thoughts and projection, instead of patiently actually building and creating it as me by investigating and pulling apart and correcting that which I accept ad allow to create weakness, scattered-ness and instability within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of strong/weak and together/scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself due to fear of judgment and self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the security and apparent stability of constancy instead of realizing that the only thing that remains constant are the endless cycles of ups and down caused by participation in polarities, and endless constant patterns as habits and routines that limit me and keep me from growing, building, learning and exploring myself and my world.

I commit myself to self-change and self-exposure by fearlessly changing myself regardless of who or what or where I am, and by exposing myself to myself in forgiveness so that I may change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to myself- that I may stand as me regardless of who or what or where I am.

I commit myself to express myself when I need to, so that I may see what it is I have accepted and allowed and suppressed within me in order to expose it, forgive it and change it through self-corrective application.

When I see that I am going into suppression, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to express/release me so that I may continue walking my change until it is done.

Day 7- Moving

I'm moving back to a diffferent city. Within this I am expereiencing some fear: fear of the future (projecting into the future), fear of the unknown, fear of who I will be longterm within the new relationships I will be forming, and the emotions of leaving an environment I am comfortable in, where everthing is 'known' and already established.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about what it’s going to be like to move by participating in memory-based fears of what is was like when I lived there/visited in the past, and who I was within that, thus projecting that into the future in a ‘worst case scenario’ perspective instead of realizing that I have changed, I have new skills, I am more stable and I can handle standing within who I am. I am working still on all these points and the upcoming events that are about to take place are more like opportunities for me to observe where I am at and what it is I’m still accepting and allowing within me where I lack the self-trust to transcend the fear of the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing an individual within addiction, it is not my responsibility and all I can do as stand stable within me and walk through the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing individuals within my participation with Desteni, because I know I will have to take a stand and assert myself and discipline myself to do that which I have committed to doing. This is not about anyone but me and my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am going to be with friends and family long-term, because I have made the directive decision to change me, so I am projecting my fear of change onto them because I cannot hide my change from anyone, but rather I reflect it off of people in my world and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing myself within change and the unknown through my reflection off thse in my world and reality.

I realize why I have made this directive decision and that I will stick with it no matter what, thus, I walk step by step without fear in order to discover who I am within change, and who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of my current environment which I have always known because it is already known, instead of realizing the limitations of remaining within the comfort and security of the ‘known’.

I allow myself to venture into the darkness of the unknown within the understanding that I will always have me to direct me, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to correct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the unknown with fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of the environment I’ve always known because I fear exposing myself to me in standing on my own without the crutches of comfort and security, instead of realizing that I don’t require crutches because I am walking already, and the only way I will become stronger and more stable is by continuing to walk through into the unknown, over and over until I realize that I am one with and equal to the unknown, therefor I am only walking into me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown as I fear the unknown parts of me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself. Instead, I commit myself to get to know all parts of me within the realization that only the ego fears to be exposed, because if it is exposed it will be revealed as a fraud/not real and I will end it. I commit to ending myself as ego, and instead birthing myself as life. Here, without fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the fear of my ego being exposed and ending, and I stand within and as that ego and expose me, to end myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about leaving, the guilt is self-created, it’s only about me, it doesn’t serve me, and I can’t live my life by these limiting self-interested emotions of the mind instead of walking step by step within and as self-direction no matter what I am feeling.

I commit myself to walking Here as stability regardless of the self-limiting thoughts, feelings and emotions I manifest.

I commit myself to myself, to stand no matter who I am with or where I am.

I commit myself to fearlessly discover me, who I am and how far I push myself towards perfection within the practical limitations of physical reality.

Day 6 - Numb to Reality

            In six days I’ve gone up and come back down, and now I’m in some kind of weird numbness-limbo state in which I feel lost and directionless. Except this time it may have more to do with my current reality/situation. I’ m about to move away again and last time this happened I went numb as well. I thought I wasn’t feeling anything last time either, but then I started crying right before I went to get into the car. I remember right before that, when I was having breakfast, my whole face felt so heavy, yet I’m so used to suppressing my emotions that I didn’t even realize I was sad. The sadness comes from regret.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a back seat when I could have stood up as myself as life in moments where I instead allowed fear and ‘old habits’ direct me instead of directing myself Here as Life.

These ‘old habits’ are suppression and introversion, wherein I internalize everything in moments of fear. I commit mself to pushing though the fear of self-expression, bit by bit by bit until I’m able to express me without being influenced by fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk without certainty, without direction, aimlessly while occupied and entertained by my backchat, fantasies, ego and imagination while in reality I was/am stagnating and accumulating consequences and not Living.

I commit myself to work on self-direction, wherein I stick to my principles as goals, by making practical goals and then working towards them by taking practical steps in the Hereness of each moment, because that is the only place that I move me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to waste time not living due to fear, patterns and habits instead of fearlessly living Life as an equal, and one with the substance that is Here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself, in my Hereness and my real actual living presence, and instead I abdicate myself to my past, and limit myself based on the beliefs I hold onto that are based on past memories and experiences, and limit and contain myself within ego, believing myself to be that and only that.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge others and to diminish others through my judgment of them without considering their entire situation and the process they have been through to get there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and diminish myself through judging others, and not bringing it back to myself, but separating myself from others by judging them and believing my judgments to be real instead of realizing/remembering that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that which I judge in others is what I am refusing to look at and acknowledge within myself.

I commit myself to live without judgment, and to instead use judgment as an indicator of whatI judge within me, so that I may forgive it and change it or stop it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed stress and anxiety to exist within and as me, wherein I participated in the mind of stress and anxiety to the point of destructiveness, towards myself and my relationships with those around me. In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow frustrated, angry and annoyed by others when I lack self-direction and within and through that, I create stress and anxiety within me over time, but blame others for it in the moments when others enter my world when I am stressed or anxious.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for that which I am and participate within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recoil in fear instead of standing as Life when things are tense, stressful or intense, wherein I become reactive instead of directing myself through the experience without participating in that which gives me the excuse to react.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into ego around others instead of facing myself as them as equals, such as listening with absolute openness and without reactions, thoughts or judgments, understanding each is in their own process, and allowing myself to be okay with that and comfortable with that without feeling responsible for others in terms of guilt or a savior complex. I allow myself to simply listen and hear and grasp and understand because I am Here with many many other beings, equal and one.

These are the things I regret in my final days in this place. I understand that regret is the result of not standing and not living fully present and aware in every moment, and is the result of letting go, because the egoic projections were not met, and thus the ego has lost the game of imaginary winners.

I allow myself to take the lessons and mistakes from these past two years, and carry them with me until I have walked them through in their entirety, so that I may not repeat them again, but instead learn from them what it is I need to do/change, where it is necessary for me to direct, what I must forgive, and which actions will lead to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to standing and creating a world that’s best for all in every moment of breath, starting with the smallest things and my immediate relationships, because that is where I am so that is where I need to start.

I commit myself to hearing/listening/understanding people in my world, so that I may develop relationship of equality with them within self-honesty and presence that I may lead by example in my words and my world.

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.

Day 4- Putting Others Out - Am I Worthy?

Today I had to run all over the city collecting receipts for income tax purposes because the lady at H&RBlock told me I could get money back if I had saved them. But I found when I set out today that I had resistances to going to all the places to ask them to dig up my file and reprint my receipts. I had resistances to this because I was going to have to ask them to do me a favour. I didn’t have anything to offer them in return except a ‘thank you,’ so it’s like, kind of a self-worth thing because I didn’t feel worthy of them having to put themselves out to do me that favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of someone else’s time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a pattern of inferiority when I need something from another, such as a favour, because that means I cannot ‘do it on my own’ which I have equated to strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘strength’ to doing everything by myself, and using that as an excuse to not have to face the fact that I go into inferiority when I have to ask for help. In other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing my accepted and allowed pattern of inferiority by creating the belief that it’s ‘weak’ to ask for help, and ‘strong’ to do it on one’s own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for help due to my self-judgment that it is weak to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs to use to sabotage myself through avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and integrate into myself, the belief that it is weak to ask for help or a favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am less-than those that are able to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘vulnerable’ when I have to ask for help or a favour because it places another in a position to deny me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am denied that which I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that when I am denied something, it is because I am not worthy of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the inferiority I allow myself to participate in onto people and situations wherein I am denied something I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that when people choose not to help me out it’s because they don’t like me, or don’t like the sight of me or because I am not worthy.

I accept and allow myself to value myself as worthy simply because I  exist as Life, equal to all Life, as all Life has equal worth.

I accept and allow myself to be and become worthy and worthiness as the value that I am as Life.

When I see myself going into inferiority, specifically when I have to ask for help, assistance or a favour, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself as self-worth within the understanding and realization that I am of equal worth to all Life, and it cannot be otherwise. And if I see myself reacting to someone wherein I project that I am ‘putting them out’ because they seem irritate or angry, I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that they too are my equal, and equal to all that is here as well.