Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

This blog is continued from yesterday’s blog.

Within this blog I am reading self-forgiveness statements and deriving self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications therefrom. It’s interesting to place the mind on paper in this way, in forgiveness, because one can then clearly see what goes on in the darkness of the mind, as it is brought out into the light where it can be clearly seen, in the physical world. In forgiveness one can look at one’s mind without reaction, without judgment, and without excuses. It’s ‘hard’ to do at times, but because it is done in forgiveness and a commitment to change, it is always beneficial. Like the parable of the prodigal son, forgiveness allows one to come back to self, forgive self, and change one’s ways to that which is best/beneficial to self/all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, unconditionally.

I commit myself to unconditional self-support, no matter how far my mind goes into self-judgment, inferiority and /or superiority etc, because I see, realize and understand that all life is ‘innocent’ because as Life, we did not know what we were doing, however, within this ignorance, there is still responsibility- a responsibility to self, and a responsibility to change and live the message of equality and oneness, which is to support others as myself, in this, to love my neighbor as myself.

When and as I see that I am wasting time doing things without awareness or direction, wherein, I am simply ‘going through the motions’ without point or purpose, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and direction by supporting myself to become aware of Who I Am within that which I am doing, in order that I may begin to direct myself in the moment, to look in self-honesty at what it is that I’m avoiding, what self-responsibility am I not taking, and distracting myself instead with this mindless activity. I support myself to take a breath, to stop participating in the time-wasting, responsibility-avoiding activity, and to instead to push through the resistances by facing them head on, and doing exactly that which I am avoiding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I commit myself to support myself to realize that the pain I letting go of a habit is always less than the consequences of continuing the habits over a lifetime.

I commit myself to be and become the living realization that commonsense dictates that I should support myself in all ways, and support others as me in all ways possible, to together realize that what we need to be is self-responsible co-creators of this world, so that all may be supported instead of fighting each other tooth and nail to survive in a world of plenty.

When and as I see that I am participating in a pattern or habit that I like because it gives me good/positive/comforting feelings, I stop, and I breathe. I support myself to push myself to let go, to breathe through the energetic withdrawal, and to direct myself to instead do something practical in the moment, and concentrate on my breath till I am stable again- no matter how long it takes. I remind myself of what I have realized: that just because it feels good does not mean it is best for me, and sometimes the hardest things I will face will be the most supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I commit myself to breathe through the

fear that keeps me bound to comfort and security, and I commit myself to walk into the unknown of myself in forgiveness, so that I may walk as a me created in principle, not likes and dislikes, but rather the principle of being part of and equal to the whole of creation that is Here, and to not accept or allow anything less than that.

When and as I see that I have stopped myself from participating in a pattern or habit, but am being ‘tempted’ back to doing it because of the fear of ‘what comes next’? and the belief that I will never ‘feel okay again’ without it, I STOP, and I BREATHE. I support myself to realize that this is a necessary abyss to cross, and that all that it takes is simplicity, simplistically placing one foot in front of the next, doing ANYTHING but returning to the habit/pattern, until I no longer feel the desire within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns and support myself unconditionally.
I commit myself to become that which it is necessary to be in order to be an equal being Here, one with everyone else, and not an individual ‘I’ in self-interest, as I have become so accustomed to, as we all have become so accustomed to, that we do not realize there is another way.

When and as I see that I am not supporting myself due to fear of letting go of my ‘who I am’ and ‘what the habit/pattern gives me’, I stop, and I breathe. I push myself to support myself to fearlessly let it go, to throw it away and never look back, within the realization that Who I Am is created in every breath, every moment, and so in every moment I can make that decision to let go of those things that are diminishing, limiting and destructive towards me. Because I see, realize and understand that there is no choice in the matter of the fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I commit myself to stop defining myself, and defining life and what Life is by habits and patterns- to see, realize and understand that habits and patterns are NOT Life, and that if I am to be Life, I make that decision in every moment- whereas habits and patterns are not decisions made in awareness, but rather automatic, automated behavior that is more robotic than living, and that is not acceptable because it diminishes me and does not serve me in any way, and why would I participate and give energy to things that o not serve me? What makes sense is to support myself, and to support others to make the change, live the commitment and walk together to create a world we would want to leave our children. THAT is service.

When and as I see that I do not want to let go of a habit or pattern that I have always accepted and allowed to play out in my life, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I will have to face all my biggest fears, so I support myself to prepare, practice and program myself to self-movement, wherein I face my fears, such as letting go of habits, as if it were as easy as taking a breath, because in reality, it is that simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.
I commit myself to create and design myself in awareness by slowly walking the process out of the automation of the mind, and into the living reality of the physical, out of the highs and lows of energy, and into the stability of the physical.

When and as I see that I am being pulled and pushed by pursuing ‘likes and avoiding ‘dislikes’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization that that which is supportive to me is not necessarily going to be perceived by my mind as ‘feel-good’, thus I support myself to face the biggest challenge of stopping listening to the logic of the mind, of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’, and to instead listen to the common sense of Life Here, that doing that which supports me to stand as an equal participant in/as life, will create outflows and results that are best for all, and thus best for me.

To be continued...

For the entire series click Here.

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Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

This blog continued from yesterday’s blog, and is part of a series in which I am taking apart the issues I experience that hold me back from being an effective student. For the entire series click Here.

 Written in italics (scroll down to see) are paragraphs from Day 122- I Am No Match For ME, which I am taking apart and deconstructing within this blog in order to find out what self-destructive patterns and habits are existent within me hidden in my own words. In this way, the written word becomes the key to unlocking the secrets of the self, in order to fully understand self ("Man, know thyself"), to empower myself to change.



 

It's interesting that the habits and patterns that I have thusfar accepted and allowed to exist within me, as me, are actually based in self-interest, but are also self-diminishing and self-destructive. Here I am pulling apert these habits and patterns that are getting in the way of my studies and being/becoming an effective student, but the by-product of this (and the main point) is to rid myself of the nature of existing only within/as self-interest, in order to re-create myself as a human being that is actually capable of caring, and of considering the fact that there is a whole wide world of peopl/beings/life 'out there' that is being disregarded.

Self-change is required so that we may each individuallly stand as the living change of that which we require to be to change the world. No matter how long it takes, it has to start somewhere, so might as well have it be us: our generation: this group of people that we are right now a part of, all existing Here at the same time on the same planet. Because, otherwise, what's the point of life, if not LIFE? All Life.

 

But first things first, step by step, we can only change at the pace of the breath of life.

 

 

 

Deoncstructing my words, finding the hidden self-interest: (for context, please read Day 122- I Am No Match For ME). The following question arose within my mind in relation to why I don't want to let go of certain things that keep me from being self-disciplined.

So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns to instead support myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Who I Am exists in my mind, as my perception of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am as Life exists in my actions and words and the thoughts that reflect what I ACTUALLY do, not just who or what I THINK I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the reality of myself in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, wherein, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to thoughts and ideas I have of myself that make me seem better then who/what I really am ,so that I can actually live with myself, instead of being fed up with myself, which I should be, to the point that I change no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the fact that we don’t see ourselves clearly, the reality of ourselves, the reality of Who We Really are in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, allows each one of us to continue on living in ways which are less than who we really are, then we either make ourselves ‘seeeeeem’ better than that within and through our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, or we diminish ourselves to the point of disempowerment and giving up- either way- we allow ourselves to continue on without changing, day after day after day, until we wake up one day and we’re 40, 50, 60, 70…dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not deal with what goes on inside me in every moment, until who I am without, as my external actions, words and deeds are an exact mirror of who I am within, and so that my without and within are aligned with a way of living that is supportive to Life, as all as one living organism, as equal individual parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with a sub-standard version of myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at myself, and who I really am in my living actions, I complete, utter and brutal self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, perceive I exist within and as my intentions, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my action that I am in any way relevant.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc.. Thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back and directing myself within self-discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest frustration within and as me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this frustration as an excuse why I can’t change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to overwhelm me in one moment, leading me to want to give up, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that frustration is not one bit necessary, as I am never frustrated when I am actively working towards practical solutions, I only become frustrated when I’m not moving myself, when the work I’m doing is impractical, when there is no defined solution, or when I’m falling in the face of resistances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not resolve the issues I face, as I face them, but to instead grow frustrated and blame events and things outside myself for why it is not working out, why I can’t focus/concentrate, why I don’t want to do it, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to use frustration as a reason, justification or excuse to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever think that my frustration does not have myself as its source and solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use frustration to continue doing/being/living in a manner that is less than who I am (lack of understanding, lack of discipline/motivation/self-movement, lack of self-equality/equality with others, too much judgment etc, etc, etc…)

Self committments and self-correction to follow.

 

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Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

Day123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Day 127- From Slave to Master of Myself

 

 

Day 123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

This blog is continued from my last blog and it is a part of this series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

In italics are the paragraphs from my last blog, which I will be deconstructing with self-forgiveness:

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feeling like being confronted by a defiant child and feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angry and yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave defiantly within and towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defy myself and fall in the face of my own defiance because of the fear of negative consequence of myself throwing an internal tantrum because I’m not ‘getting my way’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for doing something that I am in complete control of, within the belief that I am helpless to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I set myself to study or do homework, because I have the tendency to ‘take it easy’ on myself and let myself get away with not focusing, becoming distracted taking long breaks- spending more time taking breaks than doing the actual work, instead of breathing and taking self-directed breaks, which I had scripted for myself to correct. There are no more excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose avoiding my own inner tantrum rather than forcing myself to study, thus choosing self-compromise over self-expansion. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honour myself as Life.

Bringing it back to self:
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television and hanging out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that dealing with resistances in the moment may seem painful, but not dealing with them, and instead succumbing to them creates way more pain and suffering in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life is about pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is only self-interest in that, there is no principle of equality and oneness within each individual pursuing their ‘likes’ and avoiding their ‘dislikes’, there is no consideration for the effect one’s life is having upon another within this, there is only the consequence of the world we see today: each man for himself, pursue money and indulgance, and avoid suffering and poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ lacks any kind of process of self-understanding, nor does it involve the understanding that sorting out problems and taking responsibility is something most all people will not ‘like’ doing, within themselves or the world. Therefore, when we live to only experience our ‘likes’, we condemn ourselves and generations to come to a world deprived of any real life or living, only a world of war as each fights for their own lives/likes.

To be continued….

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